


Nicotine & Tangerines

by Ottermelon



Category: Love Live! Sunshine!!
Genre: Angst, F/F, Future Fic, chika and you are so bad at communicating, in this fic our favorite characters SWEAR, oh look another fic that uses alcohol to push a ship forward
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2020-03-07 19:50:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 22,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18880051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ottermelon/pseuds/Ottermelon
Summary: You Watanabe likes to consider herself the Chika Takami Expert. She's one of a select few who have a right to this title, because she's been there through it all: namely, their entire secondary education, that mess called "puberty," Aqours, and a girlfriend.That last one makes everything a little messier than You would like, because now, if she dated Chika, she'd be dating her best friend, who was best friends with her other best friend, who then datedherbest friend, who then -Long story short: it's complicated. That's where alcohol comes in.





	1. Thinking of the Sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! welcome to the world of Love Live, where young women drink lots of alcohol and yell about other young women who don't like them.
> 
> this angsty bit of fanfiction was planned to be a one-shot, but once i eclipsed the 13k word mark, that became less and less feasible. so here we are. 
> 
> if you'd like a soundtrack to this drunk mess of a fic, [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7dKJJR7znIthis) is a good place to start.

“You know what, You-chan? I’m just gonna say it!” Chika knocked back the rest of her drink and slammed it down on the table in one swift motion, causing it to creak and rattle.

You watched her oldest friend lean forward, across the table, with no regard for personal space. Chika’s sour breath ghosted across her face, leaving You caught between the urge to enjoy the forced physical intimacy and to shrink away from Chika’s beer-breath. She settled on the former and tried to convince herself that the decision had nothing to do with her own empty beer cans that decorated her side of the table.

“Say what?” You gripped Chika’s shoulders and pushed her to sit back down. A lopsided smile found its way to You’s face as Chika wobbled back and forth, though her fiery eyes never lost their intensity. She could guess what Chika was about to say, of course; with enough alcohol in her system, Chika veered every conversation towards one topic, and one topic only.

Chika took a deep, shaky breath. You watched her lips part, then purse again, before she burst out. “This is bullshit!”

Though she’d seen this coming from a mile away, the piercing nature of the shout made You flinch. She swore the picture frame on Chika’s nightstand was still rattling when she asked the inevitable follow-up question: “What’s bullshit, Chika-chan?”

With a groan, Chika slumped over the table. You would call the gesture _‘exaggerated’_ if it were coming from anyone else; with Chika, she was simply expressing herself in the best way she knew how. “Everything!” Chika shouted again. She failed to rattle any picture frames this time, since the act of burying her face in her hands stopped her voice from piercing You’s ears.

Silence swallowed up the next few seconds, punctuated by the occasional muffled groan from Chika, her head rolling from side to side. You was fixated on the hypnotic motion. She knew she could watch Chika’s somewhat concerning, somewhat cute idling without consequence, for Chika was too embroiled in her own emotions to consider anyone else’s. Even You’s. Still, that didn’t mean she should take advantage of her power in this situation. Guilt was heavy on You’s tongue when she spoke up, which she also owed to their inevitable revisiting of this topic.

“What did Riko-chan do this time?”  

“Don’t say it!” Chika shot up. Her arm swept across the table, sending a few empty beer cans clattering to the floor. You idly wondered when Chika’s face had become so red.

_Oh, right. She can’t hold her alcohol too well._

“You-chaaaan ~”  In the span of a few seconds, Chika had slinked over the table, knocking over any remaining cans in her way, to grab You by the shoulders. “You… you can’t say her name, You-chan.” She locked eyes with You, but couldn’t hold the pose for more than a few moments before slumping over. She pressed her forehead into the crook of You’s neck. It didn’t look like the most comfortable position, since Chika still had to lean over the entire table to be close to her, but You selfishly chose not to voice that concern aloud. “It’ll summon her. Make her appear outside…” she slurred.

You’s shoulders heaved in a half-sigh, half-laugh. She reached up and ran her fingers through Chika’s hair, silently thankful when Chika didn’t pull back or protest. “That’s mean. Riko-chan is a lot of things, but she’s not some dark witch.”

“You think? Well… maybe that wouldn’t be so bad… if she were...” The high, arcing agitation dissipated from Chika’s voice, lowered now to no more than a murmur. “Y’think she could cast one of those memory-wiping spells on me?”

You’s hand came to rest on the nape of Chika’s neck. “You want to forget how you dated her?”

Chika shrugged. When she spoke, You felt her mouth brushing against her collarbone, and the accidental touch sent her heart racing. “Dunno. Maybe just the bad stuff. Then… then…” she shifted her weight forward, causing You to grunt. As much as You entertained the idea of them falling over in a giggling, tangled mess of limbs, she pushed back. It wasn’t hard for her to do so, though Chika started imploring her with her best wounded-animal impression as soon as they were a table’s width apart.

“What’s wrong with me, You-chan?”

You picked up a half-empty can. Swirling its contents around, she peered inside with one eye. Chika’s question dissipated into the stuffy air of her bedroom, but she didn’t press for an answer. You liked to consider herself a Chika Expert, and years of experience, of sleepovers, late-night conversations and countless moments they’d spent alone together, told her that Chika was looking for a specific response to her vague question.

She wondered if being dishonest, if tailoring her answer to something Chika wanted to hear, meant that she was failing her as a friend. Similarly, she wondered if being honest was any better.

“We could talk about that all night, Chika-chan.” You tilted her head back, trying to resist the urge to recoil as the lukewarm beer passed her lips. She never could figure out why Chika so willingly went for the cheap stuff. It was never worth it. “It wouldn’t get us anywhere. You weren’t what Riko-chan needed, and she wasn’t what you needed. And that’s that.”

Chika leaned back, propping herself up on the palms of her hands. In that position, staring up at the ceiling, her own collarbone was exposed, and You wondered if it would be imposing for her to crawl into Chika’s arms and nestle her head there. Chika let out a breathy exhale to preface her next words. “Kinda wish you’d told me that before I dated her for… what was it? A year?”

“And nine months,” You replied. She clamped a hand over her mouth; with how quickly the response came she feared that she’d given away how much time she’d spent counting away those days, dragging on and on to the point of nausea.

Chika’s eyes drifted away from the ceiling and landed on You. “Yeah,” Chika said, her voice airy and light. “I thought it was fine, y’know? Because we loved each other, and that was enough for me. But...” she drawled, once again slumping over the table, “after a while, I guess it wasn’t.”

“If you know that, don’t give me that ‘why didn’t you tell me’ stuff.” You grinned wryly, and Chika mirrored the expression, albeit in a lopsided manner. “You would’ve hated me if I told you to break up with Riko-chan. Not like you would’ve listened to me, anyway.”

Chika sighed. Her shoulders shook in a weary, tired laugh. “You know me too well.”

Their eyes stayed locked for a few more seconds. You steeled herself and finished her drink. “Maybe I do.”

“Maaybe...” Chika parroted the phrase, lingering on it for longer than any sober person would. “Maybe I should get that memory wipe spell…” She absently poked at one of the beer cans that still stood, and both girls watched it fall over. You breathed a sigh of relief when no dregs of the warm liquid came trickling out. She didn’t want either of them to be relegated to cleanup the next morning.

“...’cause I ended up like this,” Chika murmured, her head drooping lower. It was a familiar sight, but seeing her in such a forlorn state still sent a jolt of pity lancing through You’s heart. Chika was her weak spot, whether she knew it or not. 

You sighed, her fingers restlessly dancing up and down her arm. As much as she yearned to close the short distance between them and comfort Chika physically, she stayed put. “You say that like you wasted your time, Chika-chan.”

“Sure feels like it, since she’s gone.”

You grimaced, wondering at what exact point she should’ve told Chika to stop drinking. Maybe it was the fourth can, or the third. Or the fifth. She took a moment to mentally castigate herself. She had always taken it upon herself to stop Chika from drowning in the emotional mud, or better yet, prevented her from getting there in the first place. Judging from the deep pout glued to Chika’s face and her watery eyes, though, You was currently failing in both aspects.

“She’s so meannn... “ Chika croaked, dragging out the last word in her drunken haze. “Doesn’t even think to check up on me.”

“I don’t think that’s it.”

“What’s it, then? Oh!” she bolted upright, producing her phone from what seemed to be thin air. You felt a cold dread seep into the edges of her brain as Chika powered it on. “I know what’s it! If Riko-chan doesn’t check up on me, she must be waiting for me to check up on her -”

“Okay, okay,” You had her swift reflexes to thank as she lurched forward and snatched Chika’s phone from her hand in one fluid motion. “You’ve had enough. Come on, it’s late. Aren’t you working tomorrow?” She held the phone well out of reach. As it stood, weeks had passed without any drunk calling or texting on Chika’s end. You intended to keep it that way.

“Who cares?” Chika waved a hand in the air. You promptly seized it and pulled Chika to her feet. Thankfully she wasn’t met with resistance. The short walk to the bed proved all the more necessary; from the way that Chika wobbled on her heels, she wouldn’t have been able to walk more than a few meters in any direction. She fell more than sat on the bed, and after much gentle urging from You, found herself tucked in.

Chika loosed a dramatic sigh. “I’m not tired… I just…”

You knelt by the edge of the bed and quickly silenced her with a gentle finger placed on her lips. “I know when you’re bluffing.” She smiled, silently thanking whatever gods watching over their drunken escapades that Chika wasn’t too insistent on drunk dialing her ex.

Chika glared at her for all of a moment, but a burst of laughter shattered that facade, and the two of them shared a quiet giggle.

“You good to drive home?” Chika murmured, looking towards the messy table, littered with empty beer cans.

You shrugged. “I should be fine. See you tomorrow, yeah?” She stood up to leave, but she felt the hem of her shirt being pulled back, keeping her in place. “Chika-chan, really, I shouldn’t stay - ” She turned around and any further protests melted in the presence of Chika’s face, soft, exhausted, and vulnerable.

“Don’t you get lonely, You-chan?”

You stared at the door. She only needed a few steps, and she’d be on her way. Chika had a ways to go before she sobered up; You doubted she would remember any of the breezy confessions they’d made to each other over the span of the night.

_Just walk away. You’re not doing yourself any favors._

Chika tugged on her shirt again.

You gave in. She crouched beside the bed, reaching out and brushing a stray lock of hair behind Chika’s ear. She rolled over various answers in her head, letting Chika stare at her, trying not to stare back.

“You look lonely.”

“And there it is.” You forced out an awkward laugh. Her heart sank when Chika didn’t find it nearly as funny. “It’s not a big deal. I’ll get over it.”

“That’s not fair, You-chaan.” Chika groaned, pulling weakly at You’s shirt with both hands. “I talked about Riko-chan for hours…”

“It was only 20-ish minutes -” You interjected, but Chika wasn’t having it.

“I talked your ear off, ‘kay? And you think I’m gonna let you go home when you’re feeling alone?? Hell no!”

You’s laugh was more genuine this time around. It wasn’t like Chika to read this much between the lines, but she welcomed the change of pace. It felt good to be cared about, to be doted upon even a fraction as much as she did for Chika. “What’s gotten into you? Your head was full of Riko-chan just minutes ago.” She ruffled Chika’s hair in spite of the growing ache in her chest. The irrational part of her mind was urging her to leap into bed and never leave.

Chika was silent until a sudden hiccup caused both of them to jump. Chika put a hand to her mouth, which did little to stop the second one from rocking her body. “You’re so good to me, You-chan…” She rolled You’s shirt sleeve in her hand while her other had its fingers drumming restlessly on the bed sheets. “What have I done for you lately?”

Her clear tone, a stark contrast to the heady slur that usually accompanied her drinking sessions, was deeply unsettling. It was as if this declaration caused a bout of clarity to enter her mind, and now You seriously doubted whether she’d forget all this in the morning. Whether they both would.

“No one’s keeping score,” You dropped her voice, echoing the sudden solemn coherence Chika seemed to exhibit.

“That’s the problem, isn’t it?” Chika whispered back. You felt one more firm tug on the sleeve of her shirt, and she sucked in her breath, anticipating more, but the vice grip on her was released. This was her best friend’s invitation. Who was she to decline?

She could list the reasons why she could, and probably should. But her self-control could only hold her back for so long, and this, she figured, was her limit.

“Can you move over?” she asked, and Chika beamed at her in reply. That alone made this one small, small indulgence worth it.

A few moments of rustling later, You found herself a breath away from Chika, who couldn’t keep her hands to herself. You flushed as those same hands pulled her close, roaming her shoulders and back. Her eyes had long since adjusted to the darkness, and she could clearly make out Chika’s crimson eyes, shining, disturbingly clear and coherent.

This wasn’t the first time the two had shared a bed together, even in recent memory, but it was the first time You felt this emboldened by their quiet intimacy. The heat in her face spread to her neck, all the way down to her fingers, and she reached behind her and grasped Chika’s hands in her own. Slowly, deliberately, she brought their joined hands to her face. As much as Chika’s apparent sobriety had frightened her and told her to run, it now empowered her. Riko wasn’t here, even if her ghost might have been. Right now, it was just the two of them.

Chika had stayed quiet the whole time, even as You pressed their hands to her burning face. “Do you feel that, Chika-chan?”

She watched Chika’s head bob in agreement. “You’re warm.”

“Yeah.” She bit her tongue. Her head spun, and she thought idly that she might have had a lot to drink herself. She was far from a lightweight, but now, with Chika’s hands softly playing across her cheeks and forehead, she found she couldn’t latch on to a single coherent thought. Instead, she felt her mind flood with conflicting emotions, ones that made her freeze in place and never want to move again.

She resented how she could never be completely honest despite how often she found herself here. Chika’s broken heart took precedence over everything else. That wasn’t Chika’s fault, nor was it anyone else’s. She knew that, but that didn’t make it fair.

None of this was fair, so why did she need to be?

“It’s because you’re here,” You murmured, pressing her palms closer to the backs of Chika’s hands.

Chika giggled. “I was hoping you’d say that.”

“Really?” If her face was warm before, it must have been scalding hot now, but Chika didn’t lift her hands away from the burning surface. “Why?” You ventured, emboldened by the simple frankness of their conversation.

“Welll…” Chika wriggled closer. Her foot bumped against You’s, launching both girls into a short fit of giddy laughter. “I dunno. I’m not a handful? Too much?”

“Too much?” You rolled her eyes and pulled a comedic frown. It worked more than she expected it to, because Chika snorted in an obvious attempt to cover up a laugh. The sound was contagious, and they both found themselves laughing once more. It was funny for reasons that You couldn’t quite grasp; perhaps their proximity to one another keyed her into every minute movement, making the unexpected ones all the more surprising, even humorous.

Or the two of them were still immature in many ways, ready to laugh with each other over the most asinine things. The thought was more comforting to You than anything else. The passage of time hadn’t robbed either of them of their more childish tendencies, for better or for worse.

Whatever the reason, their laughter petered out sooner rather than later. You felt compelled to soothe the concern that Chika had voiced before the unexpected interruption.

“You’re never too much, Chika-chan.”

“Really? ‘Cause -” You pressed her finger to Chika’s mouth, silencing her for the second time that night.

“I’m with you, and that’s enough for me.”

Chika’s eyes flitted from the finger pressed to her own lips, and You wondered what was running through her mind at that precise moment. Was she surprised, though innocent physical contact was nothing new between the two of them? Was she thinking about her ex, in both romantic and platonic contexts, and how she might’ve performed a similarly intimate gesture? That second thought almost made You withdraw from Chika’s lips like they were laced with hot coals, but Chika spoke up before she could.

“That makes me happy.” Her response, slightly muffled by You’s finger pressed against her mouth, still sent a tingling through You’s brain. It spread to her cheeks, then her hands as Chika reached up, lifting the one on her mouth. She crested her fingers across You’s palm, setting her best friend’s face aflame and, perhaps aware of the frenetic pace of You’s heart, used her other hand to do the same.

You hardly had the presence of mind to croak out a weak “Me too,” before the feeling of Chika’s fingers running through and around her hand overpowered everything else in her mind. Chika herself said nothing, wearing only a content smile that didn’t begin to hint at her underlying intentions.

You had a flurry of questions spilling to the back of her throat, but she bit her tongue. If Chika didn’t offer an explanation, then You wouldn’t press her for one. Physical contact was nice. Especially if it was from Chika. Even though it was from someone with a broken heart.

After some indeterminable amount of time, Chika untwined their hands and rolled over. “You can come closer if you want,” she muttered at a volume barely above a whisper.

They were already this close. What was the harm? You obliged, gingerly reaching out and pulling Chika a little closer. She felt a familiar pair of hands, soft to the touch, lace together with her own, bringing them to rest on top of Chika’s torso. Adjustments were made until You found herself snuggled against Chika’s back.

“This is nice,” You whispered.

“It is.”

Silence again. Gradually, their breathing evened out. You’s heart rate slowed to something more of a brisk jog than a blind sprint. She wondered if it was wrong to enjoy this. But with Chika so close to her, being this physically open with her, she decided it wasn’t worth dwelling on. That was for tomorrow.

Instead, she closed her eyes and drowned herself in the scent of Chika’s hair, in the rhythm of Chika’s breathing. She didn’t know when, or if, this would happen again, and Chika surely didn’t mind.

Chika fell asleep before she did, their hands still locked with each other.

* * *

 

“Chika! Chika!”

You woke up to Chika’s door rattling off its hinges. A barely-muffled voice shouted from the hallway, terse and out of patience. “It’s your turn to cook breakfast! You traded it off last week. Don’t think you’re getting away with it today, missus!” Then, the knob started to shake from the other side.

Chika, however, was snoring away, oblivious to the ruckus just outside her door. Even in her sleep, she clung to You’s hands. In more idle circumstances, the sight would’ve brought a smile and flush to You’s face. Now, it prevented her from untangling herself from a situation she did not want to explain to Chika’s family.

“Alright, that’s it. I’m coming in.”

The ultimatum, and the frightening finality with which it was delivered, sounded off alarm bells in You’s mind louder than any phone could. But her flight instinct kicked in a moment too late; just as she yanked her hands free from those of her still-unconscious friend’s, the door to Chika’s room, the last bastion of defense from exposure, flew open. You flinched at the sudden influx of light, but the real source of fear was Chika’s older sister, who stormed in with her hands on her hips. Unfortunately, she wasn’t the one with the gentler, kinder reputation held by Chika’s other sister.

“Chika! You said you’d…” The air of fury that Mito brought into the room with her dissolved almost immediately, as You watched her eyes land first on the empty beer cans scattered every which way on the floor. They traveled next to the bed, where her face went blank upon seeing the embarrassed, speechless guest who sat there. Her mouth dropped open, and You saw her face redden just as her own heated up.

“Good morning, Mito-nee-san.” You lifted a stiff hand in greeting, knowing full well that she’d just been caught in bed with Chika. Them being full clothed was their only saving grace, the only reason Chika’s older sister didn’t lunge straight for her throat.

Several seconds of silence ensued, with the blush on both of their faces deepening by the moment. You glanced to her left. Chika was, indeed, blissfully unaware of this situation. The room would be a lot louder if she were awake, You thought.

Mito cleared her throat, snapping You back to attention. “Didn’t know Chika had you over,” she muttered under her breath. Before You could explain herself, the older girl started to backpedal out of the room. “Wake Chika up, will you? She’s almost an hour late. And her room’s a fucking mess.” With her blush still glowing, she left just as quickly as she barged in.

You mashed her palm against her forehead, running a hand through her disheveled hair. She wanted nothing more than to crawl back under the covers and not emerge for a few days, or weeks. All the better if Chika did the same, as she seemed intent on doing. But You wasn’t that selfish; she’d already indulged herself enough to last a while. With some reluctance, her hand hovered over Chika’s sleeping figure for a moment, before she brought it down and shook her shoulder. “Chika-chan, it’s almost…” she thought back to Mito’s accusation just seconds prior, “it’s almost ten o’clock.”

The girl in question stirred, but only to roll further onto her side, shrugging You’s hand off of her. A garbled grunt was the only indicator that the motion had been intentional.

You sighed. “You’re late for work. Your sister’s pretty pissed,” she said, deciding not to mention her awkward encounter with the older Takami sibling.

Chika groaned again, but this time she sat up, her pace glacial. Behind a veil of tousled, messy hair, she peered at You with bleary eyes. She clutched at her forehead, murmuring indecipherable complaints.

“mmhn…” she groaned. You was torn over whether to pity Chika or spur her into some sense of urgency. “...think I’m gonna throw up...” Chika’s hand quickly moved to cover her mouth. Even in the poorly-lit room, You saw her face pale considerably.

That made up You’s mind on its own. She hopped out of bed, thankful that her own tolerance shielded her from a hangover as nasty as Chika’s, and started to rifle through the backpack she’d discarded on the ground the night before. Producing a bright red, sugar-laden sports drink, she almost tossed it before realizing how slow Chika’s reaction time probably was. Instead, she stepped over the empty beer cans before handing the drink to her. “We didn’t even try to stay hydrated,” You noted dryly, noting the ratio of beer cans to water cups was somewhere in the 20 to 1 range.

Chika glared at her as she swiped the bottle. “...thanks,” she said, her voice still murky. She cracked it open and drank greedily. You watched her for a moment. Questions swirled around in her mind, but she didn’t venture to ask how much of last night Chika remembered. Her being hungover likely didn’t invite her to talk about it, at least for now. For now, You went about picking up the cans littered about, tossing them one by one into the basket that occupied the corner. She’d done less than she would’ve liked by the time Chika heaved herself out of bed, stumbling towards the nearest can and stooping over to grab it.

“You should get ready, Chika-chan.” You stopped her. “You’re already late, so I’ll take care of this.”

“No…” Chika protested weakly, though she staggered where she stood, unable to even remain stable on her own two feet. “Not gonna leave you…”

You watched Chika swipe feebly at the beer can on the ground, and somehow it eluded her grasp though it was a stationary target. Instead of coming to her aid immediately, You stepped towards the drawers that sat opposite the bed. They were already cracked open, so You sifted through the mess of clothes, finding a reasonably clean pair of pants without much trouble.

This time, she didn’t feel too bad about tossing something at Chika. It wasn’t her fault that Chika ignored her warning to “Look out,” nor was it her fault that the pants ended up draped halfway over her face and down her shoulders. You cracked a smile, which led into a short fit of laughter as Chika gave her her best stink eye, the impact of which was muted by the loud blue denim that masked half her face.

“I’ll take care of this,” You gestured, still giggling at the zombified Chika who stared back at her. “Just get ready for work, yeah?” Chika’s inability to process anything this soon after waking up, with a clearly painful headache and bouts of nausea, was certainly endearing to an extent, but You didn’t want to see her subject to the fury of her older sister as she had been many times before. So she occupied herself with tidying up, stuffing various clothes back into their drawers. Seeing how Chika was taking a long time to power up, You started to fall into thoughts of last night. She could pretend like Chika’s warmth was still pressed up against her chest, like every wave of her hand shadowed Chika’s too.

You didn’t realize Chika had crossed the room until the other girl was already upon her, collapsing into You’s arms.

“Woah!” You stumbled backwards and braced herself, locking Chika in a hold to keep both of them from falling squarely on top of each other. Chika’s hands, in turn, came to rest on the small of You’s back, and she supported none of her own weight. The position was somewhat awkward; Chika had fallen so far forward that her feet hardly brushed the ground, and she relied completely on You to hold her up. Despite this, she remained still, her face buried in You’s chest, and if anything, her hold around You’s torso only tightened.

“I don’t wanna leave…” Chika whined. She didn’t bother to tear her face away, and so her words came out muffled. As she was wont to do, her simple plea evoked a soft sigh from You, whose left hand came up to stroke Chika’s tangled hair.

This time, You’s curiosity won over her desire to bask in the moment. This much hugging and snuggling, even while drunk, was too much of an outlier for You to simply brush off. “You’re awfully touchy today,” she ventured. She tried to say it casually, but it came off stilted and stiff.

Chika was still for a moment. You keyed in to her Chika’s fingers, meandering across her back, and wondered if the motion was idle or intentional. She didn’t dare to ask.

“It’s nice being around you,” Chika said.

Her blunt declaration bore many similarities to the one she’d made last night. Through all the stumbling and head-clutching, You had been lulled into a sense that Chika needed time to sort through last night’s events, but this echoed last night’s sentiment too much to be a coincidence.

Chika remembered what had happened between them. You didn’t want to think beyond that. If she did and started reading into potential implications, then that put her in direct competition with Riko.

_Don’t think about it, You. Don’t ruin a nice thing._

Though Chika wasn’t too difficult to hold upright, they couldn’t stay like this for very long. You stole a glance towards the door, expecting an angry Mito to barge in and once again find them in a compromising position, but she thankfully had a moment to sort this out.

“Okay, you really need to go now,” she said, gently nudging Chika to stand on her own two feet. Thankfully, she obliged, unlatching herself from You’s midsection and rocking back on her heels. A change of pants and donning of a wrinkled blouse later, and Chika was ready for work - at least, more so than trying to walk out in her pajamas.

Chika ran a few fingers through her hair, which did little to tame the mess atop her head. Then, halfway out the door, she stopped and turned to You. “Thanks, You-chan.” She beamed.

You came up short for an automatic response, and before she had time to even wonder what Chika was thanking her for, the other girl was gone. The room looked like less of a disaster by now, so You flopped onto the bed, her mind brimming with unresolved thoughts about last night. She whipped out her phone, which somehow held a charge, and typed out a message to her friend close by.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> huge thanks to [Asallia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asallia/pseuds/Asallia) for beta reading this on a heel turn, this would be a lot messier without the much-needed help. my sentence structure really needs some variety : ((
> 
> i feel the need to assure anyone who's reading this that the incomplete chapter count is no cause for alarm, because this is actually 95% done! the whole thing! i plan to have parts 2 and 3 posted sometime within the next week or so. it'll be around 15k words, maybe more. i'm at 14k at the time of typing this, with a few more scenes to write in. if you've gotten this far, you're the best. hope you stick around! there's much more angst, drinking, and angsty drinking to come, and we've yet to meet our wonderful side characters. (spoiler alert: they're also disasters :))


	2. A Conversation Between Us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why do i even bother predicting word counts for my fics? as always, this one ran away from me, and i'm splitting it up even further for convenience. 
> 
> also, don't drink and drive kids. don't drink at all, if you can help it. with that said, let's get into Even More Drinking! yay!

After a quick stop in Chika’s bathroom, doing the bare minimum in brushing her teeth and freshening up, it was a short walk to Kanan’s shop. A quick text was all the pretense she needed to drop by, as business in a diving shop during a chilly autumn day wasn’t exactly bustling. The sun was out, the morning already in full swing, and You had to shield her eyes as she stepped onto the sidewalk. She was sober enough, with no traces of a hangover, but that didn’t stop her limbs from aching, her eyelids heavy from a lack of much-needed sleep.

Soon enough, she found herself behind the shop. The back door was slightly ajar, as it so often was. From within, You could hear assorted sounds of crashing and yelling, and figured Kanan was slacking in the way she usually did. She poked her head through the door, which led to the back room, doubling as a break room. Inside, Kanan had carved out her own area, with a couple beanbags and chairs scattered in front of a makeshift entertainment corner, complete with a small flat-screen TV and cheap speakers. A pile of alcohol cases were displayed underneath the TV, occupying all of the shelves.

As expected, Kanan lay sprawled on the nearest beanbag, tapping away at a fightstick on her lap. You mentally noted the half-empty beer bottle at her feet. Surely Kanan would nose her into that, though You didn’t mind too much. On screen, two characters danced around each other, taking turns executing series of hits and defensive techniques. You hardly understood it, but that had never stopped her from joining in.

“Ah, there she is.” Kanan threw her hands up in mock surprise. You rolled her eyes, stepping forward and accepting Kanan’s outstretched fist by bumping it with her own. She flopped down onto the nearest unoccupied beanbag, well-prepared for the can of hard cider Kanan tossed her way moments later. “You drink too much last night? I should ask that before I give you free alcohol,” she said, her face sheepish.

“Nope, that was Chika-chan.” You shook her head. “Just like every other time.”

Kanan clicked her tongue. “I kinda envy the lightweights. Doesn’t take much for them to get wrecked.” She tapped and clacked away on her fight stick, her on-screen character executing some ridiculous technical combo.

“Right?” You sighed, watching Kanan’s helpless opponent get backed into the corner. “If I don’t want to get drunk, I have to watch Chika-chan’s head roll around for so long while I’m barely buzzed.”

“Not like you mind.” Kanan could only burn her smug, knowing gaze into You for a second before she whipped her head back towards the screen.

“I kinda mind,” You muttered, feeling somewhat on the defensive. “There’s a one hundred percent chance she talks about Riko-chan when she gets drunk. It’s like she’s reading off a script sometimes.”

“But you never say no when Chika wants to drink.”

You chewed on her lip, watching Kanan’s opponent slump to the ground. The words _DEFEAT_ blared across the screen in fiery text. “Someone’s gotta do it.”

With a sigh, Kanan set her fight stick down. “Yeah, but are you just enabling her? Can you say no to her? That’s what I’m worried about.”

“If I feel like I have to.”

“You and I probably draw the line at different places.” Kanan took a long swig of her beer, nudging You’s untouched can on the ground. “Come on, I don’t want to be the only one drinking here.” When You reluctantly picked up her can, fiddling with the seal, Kanan went on. “That’s why she never asks me for advice. Being nice isn’t my biggest concern.”

“It’s less ‘asking me for advice’ and more ‘oh, here’s reason number fifty-two why Riko-chan is the worst girlfriend ever.” You frowned, inspecting the cider can without actually digesting the information on it. “It’s hard on me, you know? I love Riko-chan too, but when Chika-chan goes from ‘Riko-chan’s the devil!’ to ‘I miss Riko-chan so much,’ just like that” - she pierced the stale air with a snap of her fingers - “it muddles everything in my mind too.”

“You signed up for it. So what happened last night that you needed to tell me right away?”

“Past the usual?” Kanan nodded, and You glossed over last night’s shenanigans. How much would Kanan care to hear? “After she got super drunk, she tried to call Riko-chan. I nipped that in the bud.”

“Yikes.” Kanan bared her teeth in an exaggerated grimace. “Then what?”

“When I tried to leave, she asked me if I was lonely. But like,” she hurried to add as Kanan quirked an eyebrow, “she said it like she already knew I was. Like she felt responsible for it, too.”

Kanan nodded, her face betraying no emotion. You was grateful that she hadn’t tried to interject. “She’s been paying attention.”

“Yeah, but I don’t know to what extent.”

“It’s not like her to say something like that,” Kanan pointed out. She picked up the unused controller on the wooden stool adjacent to her and offered it to You. “Want to try your luck while we talk about it? I’m getting antsy.”

You took the controller, testing the grip in her hands, but shook her head. “Nah. I’m not down to get comboed into oblivion today. You can play, though.”

“Fair enough.” Instead of taking You up on her offer, Kanan let the main screen theme play at low volume in the background. “Chika doesn’t say it a lot, but she really does care about you. What you just said -” she gestured vaguely towards You “- is proof of that.”

“I know. It would be nice to hear that from her.”

“What happened next?” Kanan changed the subject. “Did you just leave? How late was it?”

“I probably could’ve caught the last bus, but…”

“But what?”

“Hang on.” You cracked open her can and took a long drink. It wasn’t too strong, and tasted more like apple cider than anything else. The very act of consuming alcohol less than 24 hours after her drinking session with Chika was irresponsible, and she knew that, but she also knew she wasn’t getting drunk off of one can.

“I don’t like where this is going, so...” Kanan followed suit, and the corner of You’s mouth turned up in a wry grin.

You kept at it for a while. One can wasn’t enough for her, anyway; her tolerance demanded more even as she felt a slight warmth spread through her body, starting from her core. “Chika asked me to stay the night,” she continued, keeping her eyes down. “And… I couldn’t say no. When she asked me to hold her, I did. I can’t help but think she was just imagining Riko-chan in my place, but…” You shrugged, her words failing her. She felt like she was flailing helplessly for them. “I don’t know if I regret it.”

For a while, You listened to the peppy, machismo fighting game music loop softly in the background. When she looked up, Kanan’s face was still unreadable as she methodically tapped her index finger against her cheek. Looking nowhere in particular, she muttered, under her breath, “What?”

You looked up. Kanan was shaking her head slowly, but didn’t attempt to clarify beyond that.

“Was there some part of that you didn’t get?”

“Yeah, run that by me again. You and Chika did what now?” Kanan leaned sideways, so far into You’s personal space that You feared she’d topple both of them off their beanbags. Without waiting for a reply, she opened her mouth again. “You _slept_ with her?”

“Oh!” A different kind of warmth bloomed on You’s face, and she shook her head so hard it might have rattled her brain. “No, not in that way. We only slept together, but literally!” Kanan’s incredulous expression didn’t budge, and You stumbled to rectify her account of the situation. “We slept in the same bed. Why’s that weird? It’s, like, the hundredth time.”

“You slept in the same bed and _cuddled._ ”

“So?” You countered. Even she flinched a little at how defensive it was, and seeing how Kanan’s eyes narrowed to slits, she hadn’t been the only one to pick up on that.

“After she said you looked lonely.” With some effort, Kanan lifted herself from the confines of her beanbag and stood up. You watched her pace around the room, her hands restless and fidgety. _She really doesn’t know how to take this_ , You thought. An unsettling fear, one she couldn’t quite place, told her there was no explaining away this incident, unlike the countless ones she’d waved off in the past.

Kanan threw her hands in the air after several moments of pacing. “For fuck’s sake, you could probably cut through the sexual tension in the air with a knife.”

“What’s your point?” You knew she was fighting a losing battle here, but she’d see it through to the bitter end. Anything to avoid facing the most obvious takeaway from last night.

“Tell me, because I’m kinda lost here. Why haven’t you made a move yet? Is this still about Riko?”

You shrugged. “Kind of. There’s the whole ‘Riko-chan is Chika-chan’s ex’ thing. I don’t know what Riko-chan would think. I don’t know if Chika-chan’s just lonely. And I don’t want to base our relationship off of that. Something we could write off ‘cause we were both drunk, or something.”

Kanan frowned, thumbing absently at a lock of hair that hung over her eyes. She mulled over it for a while. “That’s what you’re worried about?” she asked, not sounding convinced. “Does being her friend for years and years mean nothing? Or what about how much she trusts you? How she goes to you before she goes to anyone else?”

You shrugged, gripping the controller a little tighter in her hands. “Doesn’t mean she’s interested in me in a girlfriend way… Even if she was, I’d be worried.”

Kanan shook her head, her idle movements becoming more restless. “Is there a case where this works out for you? You sound like you’ve given up.”

“I mean…” You shrugged off the hopelessness that made her skin crawl and her heart drop. “Yeah,” she muttered, with no sense of resolve. “It’s whatever, though. I try not to get my hopes up.”

Kanan sucked in her breath. You braced herself for some sort of lengthy rebuttal, but Kanan simply loosed a clipped “No,” and fell silent again.

You blinked. “No what?” she asked, confused.

“Just… just no! I’m sick of it, You. You’ve been dancing around it for… for how long now? Years, probably? Since we were in middle school.”

You pursed her lips, trying to remain composed. “Don’t say it.”

“That’s part of the problem!” Kanan snapped. “You won’t admit there’s a problem here!”

“What’s it to you? It’s my love life, not yours.” You muttered, taking an interest in a dent in the beanbag. She poked at it for a second, watching it give to the slight force of her finger, before an unwelcome hand landed on her shoulder. She turned and immediately regretted it, seeing Kanan’s stern, almost cold expression.

“What’s it to me? Oh, I dunno, maybe I hate seeing my friend suffer for years on end when the solution’s so damn simple.” A biting edge crept into Kanan’s voice, and You wanted to interrupt, but she knew better than to try and defend herself. “What’s it to _you_ , really? You’d rather sit here and whine to me about Chika when you could end it with a few words?”

At those words, a cold chill lanced through You’s heart. She tried to put on a smile, but seeing regret on Kanan’s face told her that she wasn’t doing a great job. “You say that like moving on from her is easy as waking up the next day and saying I’m over it.”

Kanan regarded her for a few moments, then stooped over to snatch up the remote on the floor. She switched off the TV, and right as she did so, You wished she’d left it on, so it could distract them from the intensity of their conversation. Its absence sucked the casual atmosphere out of the room, and You found herself holding her breath.

“You’re going to talk about Chika not needing any more things to worry about right now, aren’t you?” Kanan said. Her voice was softer now. She waggled the remote at You before tossing it at her beanbag. “I know where this is going.”

“It’s true. She doesn’t.” You hated how the huffy response made her seem childish. Kanan had her cornered.

“You make a lot of excuses for Chika. I know how much you care about her.” Kanan sighed and slumped back into the beanbag. You watched the bitterness leave her face, and it seemed like she was too tired of the situation to be angry about it any longer. “But what about you? She’s leaned on you a lot recently. But you haven’t relied on her. It can’t be that one-sided. There’s not enough of a balance. Is that worth it?”

You downed more of her drink, jabbing Kanan in the side. “You’re one to talk,” she quipped.

Kanan eyed her from the corner of her vision, quirking an eyebrow. “Shut the fuck up.”

“No! I will not _‘shut the fuck up.’_ ” You waved her half-empty beer can at Kanan, whose goodwill seemed to be evaporating by the moment. “How is Chika-chan less ‘worth it’ than Dia-chan or Mari-chan? You can’t tell me you’re the shining example of a healthy relationship.”

Kanan chewed on her lip. You could see the cogs in her head turning. At least she wasn’t spitting out the first thing that came to her. “Fine. You’re trying to fuck with me, but I’ll bite. Dia, Mari, and I are different.”

You raised an eyebrow.

Kanan sighed. “The three of us have been through a lot. We’ve worked through everything so far, but that’s easy for me to say now, looking back on it.”

“You mean version one of Aqours?” You asked, not mincing any words.

“Kinda. That was like… a test run.” Kanan took another long drink. There was no trace of nostalgia in her voice. “It brought out the worst in all of us, and we were just kids at the time. No one knew how to deal with a horrific failure like that.”

“So how did you deal with it?”

Kanan laughed for all of a few seconds until her smile quickly faded. “Badly.”

“Well,” You echoed her sad laugh. “I knew that.”

“You don’t know the whole thing,” Kanan said, her eyes on the blank TV. “Maybe I’ll tell it some other time.”

You watched Kanan stare into the black of the TV screen. Her thoughts were clearly elsewhere, which only piqued You’s curiosity. But given Kanan’s quick dismissal of the subject, she knew better than to pry.

“Do you think you’re over it?” The question covered a wide timeframe, but You was more curious to see where Kanan would take it.

Kanan dragged her heels against the floor, taking her time in thinking of an answer. “I still think about it,” she said. Her face had become impassive, even as she kept her eyes on the blank screen. “We were just… horrible to each other. All three of us. And I thought it was over, going into our third year. But when Mari came back, it felt like those wounds were just reopening, and that Dia and I needed more time to heal.”

You watched Kanan with great interest. She knew, of course, that Kanan had a soft spot for both Dia and Mari. Kanan saw her staring and whipped her head away. “I’m not totally over it,” she continued. “We’ve forgiven each other, but something like that doesn’t just…” she waved her hands around, reaching for the right word. “It doesn’t un-happen. So I can’t forget how hard it was for me, trying to deal with all of our mistakes like that.

“That’s okay, though.” Kanan shrugged. “We’re not perfect. There were a lot of reasons we could’ve given the whole thing up. But I guess we couldn’t imagine living without each other, so that’s what it came down to.”

“You make it sound so easy.” You deadpanned.

“It wasn’t. My point is,” Kanan said, jabbing a finger at You, “if you and Chika believe in that over everything else, it’ll work out. By _‘work,’_ ” she clarified, “I mean _‘don’t sit around and expect things to work themselves out._ ’ But if you put in the effort, you’ll be fine.”

You sighed. Countless nights of drinking with Chika filled her immediate thoughts. “We’ve done lots of sitting around lately.”

“That’s why I’m telling you. And that’s why your relationship with Chika’s always been the same.”

“It’s not…” You tried to protest, but trailed off as the she weighed Kanan’s point against the time she’d spent with Chika, especially after the breakup. “Okay, yeah. It is. That’s partly ‘cause of Riko-chan, though.”

“But she’s not in the picture anymore. She left, You. And Chika’s talking about her all the time, but she’s not gonna get over her unless something happens. Enter, you.” She pointed, but You still shrunk back.

“I mean -”

“If you don’t listen to me,” Kanan interrupted her, raising a finger, “then that’s on you. You don’t have to take my word for it. But,” she added, “we’ve both known Chika for a long time. And I -” she pointed at herself, puffing out her chest, “- know a good thing when I see it.”

“Why are you so sure Chika-chan sees me like that?” You muttered. “I’ve never gotten that from her.”

“I can’t be a hundred percent sure,” Kanan admitted. “She’s just dense, is all.” She punctuated this point with a laugh, which spread to You herself.

“That’s painfully true.”

“Exactly. Sometimes, she just needs a bit of a push -” Kanan demonstrated with a short wave of her hand “- for her to figure it out.”

“That’s new for her, and for me, too,” You laughed dismissively, though she couldn’t help but entertain the idea, even a little bit, in her head. Was it too outlandish to think that Chika didn’t know what was best for herself? “First time for everything, right?”

“That’s what I’m saying,” Kanan agreed, not buying into You’s well-earned skepticism. “Oh, but once you start, don’t try to solve all your problems by slapping each other.”

You laughed, wincing at the image even though she’d only heard about it secondhand. “Wouldn’t dream of it. But…” she ran her fingers up and down her right arm, shifting side to side under Kanan’s scrutinous gaze. “I still think I’m not what Chika-chan needs,” You said, letting herself sink further into the beanbag.

“What are you basing that off of?”

You shrugged. “Me being around her all the time? How she goes off about Riko-chan at the drop of a hat? Everyone knows she still has feelings for her.”

“But what Chika thinks she needs and what she really needs are two different things.”

“Try telling that to her,” You slugged her cider. At least Kanan had a standard for quality; this was much easier for her to chug in quantities compared to Chika’s preferred vice. “Sometimes I admire how stubborn she is. She can get what she wants that way. But right now, I don’t.”

“If anyone can get through to her, it’s you. She’d listen to you.”

“You think?” You frowned, feeling a heat rise to her cheeks. Was it the beer?

“Believe in yourself a little more,” Kanan said, accentuating the point with a light fist to You’s arm. “You could make more than just yourself happy that way.”

You stared at the ceiling and let the beanbag swallow her whole. “I’ll think about it.”

“Good.” Kanan eyed You’s empty cider can, laying sideways on the ground. “Want another one?”

You shrugged, not taking her eyes off the ceiling. The halo of the bright lights remained even as she closed her eyes. “Sure. Why not?” 

* * *

 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” You grumbled, forced to witness her character keel over for what had to be the hundredth time. “You said you’re drunk.”

Kanan smirked, her victorious expression mirroring the swagger of her character on-screen. “Yeah, but I sit in front of this screen for hours a day, so… They probably cancel each other out.” She winked, and You rolled her eyes. While the three beer bottles lined up at Kanan’s feet had fooled You into thinking she had a chance at winning, Kanan’s hundreds of hours of experience turned out to be her saving grace. You hadn’t stood a chance.

“That’s it. I give up, I’m not beating you today.” You flopped back into her bean bag, letting her controller sink into its confines. As she did so, she opened up her phone, seeing she had a handful of new messages.

**_kan_kan_mikaan_ ** _: work suuuucks >:(_

**_kan_kan_mikaan:_ ** _miss you already </3_

**_kan_kan_mikaan:_ ** _wanna go for round 2 tonight? i’m so down_

**_kan_kan_mikaan:_ ** _are you???_

“Need to head out?” Kanan asked her. You looked up, playing with the phone in her hands.

“No, not yet.” You opened up her messenger again, re-reading the series of texts.

**_kan_kan_mikaan:_ ** _miss you already </3_

“Chika-chan wants to drink again tonight.” You knew better than to jump to conclusions, but after her conversation with Kanan earlier, it was hard not to feel a little more optimistic than she usually was. She read Chika’s message a third time, a smile ghosting the corners of her mouth.

“Talk about perfect timing.” Kanan seemed to agree.

“I’m not gonna get my hopes up, but…” You stood up, wringing out her arms and legs. “You’re getting into my head a bit, Kanan-chan,” she admitted. Her face heated up.

“Hey, that’s what I’m here for.” Kanan grinned. She stood up and went about switching off the game as You picked up her previously discarded bag. “You’re not gonna stick around? It’s a bit early to start drinking.”

You gave Kanan a pointed look, gesturing towards the empty bottles and cans around them.

“My definition of ‘drinking’ is different from Chika’s.” Still, Kanan had a sheepish expression as she took to gathering the trash.

“No, I need to head home first, I’ve been wearing these clothes since yesterday. Probably should shower, too.”

“No kidding. I kinda overstayed my break, too.” Kanan craned her neck. Behind You, the door to the shop front was ajar, but it was still devoid of activity. “Just in case someone comes in.”

“Smart,” You deadpanned. They shared a laugh, and You thought to get going. Before that, she stepped forward and wrapped Kanan in a quick hug. “Thanks.”

“Wait a bit to thank me.” Kanan said, squeezing You’s shoulder with her free hand. “I’m optimistic, but… you know.”

“Yeah. We’ll see.” With that, You slung her bag over her shoulder. On her way out, she typed out her response to Chika.

**_yousor0:_ ** _sounds good! (^_^)7 i’ll see you tonight!_

**_yousor0:_ ** _how about i bring the beer this time?_

Anything to avoid having to drink more of that watery excuse for alcohol.

**_yousor0:_ ** _that wasn’t a question by the way_

**_yousor0:_ ** _drinks on me tonight :p_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again big thanks to [Asallia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asallia/pseuds/Asallia) for cleaning up my writing and helping me finish this in a timely manner. it's not an easy task heh
> 
> right after saying i shouldn't predict how long my fics should be, i'm coming in hot with a new projection: 20k words! this is gonna be fun! chapter 3 is almost done, and of course, look out for more drunk shenanigans and angst to ensue. until then ~


	3. Oceans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hoo boy i doubled the word count of this with one (1) chapter. this one's a doozy. thanks again to [Asallia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asallia) for pre-reading and all that fun stuff.

One shower and two bus rides later, You let herself into the familiar ryokan with the sun already beginning to set. She would’ve tried to appreciate the view if she weren’t so busy wringing out her hands while she paced around the empty landing.

She’d already done much of that in the comfort of her own apartment, but it had done little to quell the anxiety in the pit of her stomach, which now bubbled up and threatened to spill over into some incoherent babble about how this was a terrible idea.

For now, You tried to silence that relentless voice as she made her way to Chika’s room. She tried to replace it with Kanan’s, from earlier that day.

_“You’ve been dancing around it for how long now?”_

“Too long,” You murmured to herself. “But that’s okay.”

She knocked at the door. “Chika-chan? You in there?” she called.

Chika opened the door after a second of rustling, greeting her with a smile and a quick hug. “You-chan! Long time no see,” she joked. “Ooh, you’re getting fancy with the Sapporo tonight.” She stooped over and lifted the pack from You’s hand. “Show-off.” She stuck out her tongue.

“Hardly.” You giggled as she watched Chika inspect the cans with great interest. “If you’re gonna drink so often, at least pick something that’s not terrible,” she teased.

“Shut up.” Chika grabbed You by the hand and pulled her in. Chika switched on the light, revealing a familiar, messy living space with the occasional beer can strewn about. It was virtually unchanged from when You saw it that very morning.

Chika wasted no time in wrenching a Sapporo free from its plastic ring and snapping it open. “Ugh…” she groaned after a long drink, casting You a sidelong glance. “Why’s it so hard to be a nice person, You-chan?” She plopped down in her usual spot, the middle of the room.

You followed suit, though she wasn’t as eager to start drinking. She was starting to regret the second cider Kanan had offered her earlier; right now, it sat uncomfortably in her stomach without any food to offset it. She regarded the can in her hand with growing apprehension. “Bad day at work, huh?” she asked.

“Oh my god, you have no idea.” Chika immediately started tearing into a couple who’d recently vacated their room. You tried her best to listen, even keying into inane details like the amount of rings on one of the guest’s fingers (it was definitely more than four), or the amount of towels the guests requested over the course of their stay (probably more than ten, according to Chika). But while You was usually eager to hear every detail about her best friend’s day, tonight she found herself replaying the same snippets from her earlier conversation, over and over in her head.

_“Believe in yourself a little more.”_

“They were _so_ bitchy. Both of them.” Chika set her can down on the table, and it rang hollow, which told You why she promptly reached for another. “How do two people like that end up together, You-chan? Law of attraction, or something like that?”

Thankfully, You was paying enough attention to put together a general picture of her friend’s day. She smiled, a number of humorous images springing to mind. She knew nothing about these two characters beyond Chika’s rant about them, and yet she couldn’t help but imagine devil horns and evil smiles on these two converging, faceless figures. “Something like that.”

“That’s what Riko-chan would say, anyway.” Chika sipped her beer. It seemed to be an offhand remark, but You tensed regardless. She’d expected this, of course, but Chika always seemed to approach the topic in different ways. The question was never ‘if’ she’d talk about Riko when drunk, it was ‘how.’

But instead of launching into Riko-related anecdote number two hundred, Chika stayed quiet. Her eyes remained on You, and that immediately set a warning bell off in You’s mind. When Chika actually took a step back and pored over what to say, she had a damn good reason for it. Given the slant of their conversation, You could hazard a guess as to what that reason was. Knowing that, maybe she could -

“You-chan, why haven’t you dated anyone before?”

Too late. Chika’s frown was imprinted onto her face, as if speaking the question aloud solidified the absurdity of it all. She leaned forward, scrutinizing You’s impassive expression that was cracking by the second. “You’re cute. You’re easy to confide in. To trust.”

You leaned back, wondering in the far reaches of her mind why this topic didn’t come up more often. That was why she didn’t have a response pre-packaged, one that she hopelessly wished for as she fumbled for words. “Dunno,” she shrugged, hoping her shifty eyes wouldn’t give away her blatant fibbing. “I like being single.”

Chika’s eyes were mere slits. You stifled an audible gulp, ready to justify herself further, but Chika beat her to it. “Wish I could say the same thing.” She sighed, and You let herself relax. Not completely, though because Chika hadn’t quite retracted herself. “You never talk about it. Actually, when was the last time I heard you say someone was cute?”

You said nothing even as Chika silently implored her for an explanation. All she could do was shrug, which was an answer all of its own. It just wasn’t the one Chika was looking for. Still, she finally sat back, allowing You to lean into the table again.

“I mean, you hang out with me all the time,” Chika went on, and somehow, the knot in You’s stomach tightened even further. She feared that her tense demeanor, even in the face of Chika’s casual observation, would give her away. But Chika simply sipped her beer, her eyes moving away from You. “Wouldn’t you rather, you know, find a...”

She trailed off, casting You another sidelong glance. You tensed up, knowing where Chika was headed, and her breath caught in her throat. She could rattle off any number of things that she’d prefer hearing over this. She’d willingly admit to being a burgeoning alcoholic, even, before this hit home for her.

Chika’s bout of silence stretched far beyond what You expected, however, and this made her shift as another round of discomfort set in. As she fidgeted, she saw Chika’s eyes follow her every movement.

_Oh, no._

Up until now, You hadn’t worried about possibly exposing her feelings for Chika, even in the countless moments the two spent together. Chika possessed an impressive blindness to what was in front of her, to the possibility of a deeper relationship with the girl she’d confided in for what had become decades. On the other hand, one moment of clarity was all that was needed. Was this it? You had spent days chipping away at the picture of Chika returning her affections. She wasn’t sure if this was her ideal scenario.

You’s phone burst to life, causing both girls to jump. You bounced between her best friend, on the verge of You’s best-kept secret until now, and the phone on the table. When she saw who it was, You could only hope that Chika couldn’t do the same. She stared at the caller ID for a second. “I’ll be right back,” she assured Chika, who nodded absently. She still seemed attuned to You’s actions; even as You got up and left, she could feel herself being picked apart.

Once outside, You shook her hands loose, letting the motion resonate through her arms and shoulders. Her heart was still pounding when she picked up the call.

“Riko-chan! What’s up?”

“Hi, You-chan,” came Riko’s voice through the other end. “Sorry for calling so late.”

“You’re good. I wouldn’t have picked up if it was a hassle,” You replied. Her heart still pounded in her chest. It wasn’t soothed by the anxious edge she heard in Riko’s voice; her friend had never been one to hide her emotions or insecurities. “Something wrong?”

“No… no, that’s not it.” You waited for Riko to continue. “Nothing’s wrong, I just wanted to see how you’re doing. And how Chika-chan is doing.”

You nodded slowly. She expected this, but that didn’t mean she knew how to handle it, or even if she was doing the right thing by indulging Riko in talking about her ex. “You could ask her yourself,” she joked.

Riko laughed, and You breathed a sigh of relief that she picked up on it. “You know that’s a terrible idea. You give her an inch, she takes a mile. It would be hard for me to be in constant contact with her right now. Can you imagine it?” This time, when Riko laughed, You’s heart sank with the weight it held. That was more than a year of memories wrapped up in one exhale, memories that You could only see, feel, or experience secondhand. She knew that those memories would haunt her forever; rather, her overactive imagination would work overtime to fill in the blanks with the countless intimate moments they spent together -

“You-chan?” Riko broke through the barrage of horrible thoughts. You shook her head; she’d been down that rabbit hole too many times to count, and she’d be back soon anyway. “Are you still with me?” Riko spoke up once again.

“U-um,” You stammered, her face flushing. “Yeah. Sorry, it’s cold out,” she half-lied. She crossed her fingers, hoping that Tokyo was colder than Uchiura here in early October. It was a crapshoot, but Riko didn’t call her out on it. She wondered if anyone inside the inn could pick up on her conversation. Though she doubted it, she kept walking until she was off the property, on the lip of the empty streets. On the other side lay the shoreline, barely visible from where she stood. It was a nice night for a walk along the beach, she supposed.

“I was just asking how you’re doing. You’re my friend too, You-chan.”

“Of course,” You said, feeling a bit of tension loosed from her body. “It’s nice to hear from you. I’m alright, I guess. Same as ever. Nothing special’s happened at work or anything, and Kanan-chan still kicks my ass at fighting games.” She crossed the street without looking, feeling a weight lifted off her shoulders as she took the first steps onto the soft, cool sand.

“I’m surprised you still play with her,” Riko giggled. “At some point, you just have to accept that she’s much better. You’re feeding her ego otherwise.”

You shrugged. “I don’t mind being the punching bag, but I didn’t play with her today. She knows when I need a break from that.”

“You don’t sound blasted,” Riko noted. “You’re taking your alcohol responsibly for once?”

“Hey, I resent that!” You fired back. “What makes you think I’m drinking right now?”

“Well, are you?”

“Y-yeah, but I can hold my alcohol pretty well. So can Kanan-chan. Chika-chan, on the other hand…” You looked back towards the inn, noting how Riko was staying quiet on her end. “If you want me to relay a message about that to her, I can. She’s the one you should worry about. I’ll keep it anonymous, of course.”

Riko maintained her silence on the other end. You bit her lip, hearing various idle sounds in the background: a paper rustling here, something spoken to someone in a different conversation. You wondered who it was for a moment, but decided not to pry. It was probably just her dog. “You good, Riko-chan? How’re things on your end?”

“I’m fine…” Riko said, her voice carrying a distracted lilt. “It’s actually nice being back in Tokyo. My classmates are okay to be around. A few of them recognize me. From Aqours.”

“It hasn’t been that long.” You smiled; images of a flustered Riko trying to play off the compliments lobbied her way popped into her head. “You’re famous!”

“Yocchan said the same thing! She keeps saying she wants to move in with me, see Tokyo while she has all that free time, but…”

“But what?”

“I told her my place isn’t free. Having a friend to come home to would be nice, but I need to be alone right now.”

You lifted the receiver from her ear, looking over her shoulder. She half-expected Chika to come stumbling out by now, drunkenly calling either her name or Riko’s, but there were no movements within the inn or outside of it. “You’re just like Chika-chan.”

“How is she?” came the immediate response. It was almost funny how easy Riko was to read. Almost.

“She’s doing her best,” You said over the gentle rolling of the sea. She could hear the motion better than she could see it, since she was out so late. She wondered how many other people were looking out towards this same lonely sight, stuck in the middle of a conversation they’d rather not have right now, but a quick look up and down the shore told her she was alone. “Has she been in contact with you?”

“No, not recently,” Riko said. You nodded, and a silence stretched out too long for her comfort before Riko spoke up again.

“It’s been about... three weeks since the last incident? I think about when I’m going to see her name pop up on my phone next, and that makes me anxious every time I check.”

“Three weeks? She’s been holding out.”

“For now. She’s probably due for another blow-up.”

You flashed back to the night prior, when she had to snatch Chika’s phone away. If she’d failed, they wouldn’t be having this conversation, but of course Riko knew her ex’s tendencies, arguably as much as You herself did. “I wonder about that.”

“I’m not upset about it. I can’t hold it against her.”

“I know.” You paused. “You don’t have to explain yourself,” she added

“It doesn’t make things any easier on me, though,” Riko continued, as though she hadn’t heard You’s reassurance. “Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing.”

You’s automatic response was to tell Riko that she did, to reassure her once again, but she stopped herself before the words came spilling out. She didn’t want to sound too eager, to sound like the two of them dating had always been a mistake. “You had to do what’s best for yourself,” she said, though it pained her to speak badly of Chika. “And Chika-chan won’t hear it right now, but when she gets over it, she’ll know it was the best for her too.”

“You sound pretty confident,” Riko said. She didn’t sound convinced.

“Well, you know me. I like to be optimistic.” You said, lifting her free hand to her forehead in a less than forceful salute. It was more for herself than for Riko, who was none the wiser.

“I envy that. Chika-chan is, well…” Riko trailed off. You could picture her leaning back in her chair, staring at the ceiling as she searched for the least insulting way to finish the thought. “She doesn’t know when to give up.”

You’s smile was bittersweet. “You’ve always known that, though. For better or for worse.”

“And so have you.”

You listened to the waves lap against the shore. She thought about dipping her toes in, but knew she’d only be met with the bitter shock of the sea in early autumn. The idea was almost preferable to sitting through this conversation with Riko. Almost.

“You also know that no one else can tell her when it’s time to give up,” Riko added. It was less of an afterthought, despite its delayed delivery, and more of a natural extension of her last sentiment.

“I’ve tried. It doesn’t do much.”

“She’s too inflexible. Sometimes, she’ll have a breakthrough because she was right all along, and she didn’t give up when everyone else did.”

“Like in Aqours,” You said.

“Yeah.”

You glanced back at the inn. Warm, orange lights illuminated it from underneath the awning, and that warmth spilled out the paper-thin windows, giving the place a ethereal yet comfortable aura. For a moment, You thought to hang up on Riko and retreat back inside. That sounded much easier than following this conversation to its inevitable end.

“I thought I knew everything about her, going in. But dating Chika-chan, well… That’s its own set of stories.” Riko laughed. You was surprised at how sincere it sounded. “You’ve heard a lot of the bad things.”

You chewed her lip, taking a couple of steps out to the pier. “How’d you know?” She was hit by a draft of cool ocean air, making her shiver. She knew Chika would smell the salt on her once she got back inside.

“Don’t play dumb, You-chan. You’ve always been Chika’s number one confidant.”

“...Maybe,” You admitted, feeling a sense of pride swell in her chest. It was immediately choked by the feelings she still held within herself, and a wave of guilt washed over her, making her vision swim. “Why do you bring that up?”

“Because she cares about you. And though you spend so much time with her, it doesn’t seem like you know that.” Riko said simply.

“Kanan-chan said the same thing,” You admitted.

“There you go. If you don’t believe me, then believe her.”

You sighed. She was surprised to see her breath cloud the air in front of her. It was chilly, but not frigid. “Fine,” she relented. An admission was all she’d give Riko on the topic, though. There was another, more pressing subject at hand, unsure as she was about disclosing this information. “Chika-chan likes to talk about you.”

“Well.” Riko’s ensuing laugh was dry. You grimaced at the sound. “That’s always been true. I’m surprised you’re still willing to talk to me. Most of that can’t have been pretty.”

You leafed through her almost-nightly conversations with Chika. “She doesn’t hate you, and neither do I. But yes,” she admitted, “there was a lot to talk about.”

“I must admit, I’m curious.”

“I’m not sure how much I should tell you.” You rubbed at the back of her neck.

“Whatever you feel comfortable with. I’ll try not to get upset.”

Despite the reassurance, You still hesitated. At some points during this fallout, she’d felt like the only link holding together a once strong friendship. Without her, at least one of Chika’s brazen drunk dialing attempts would have succeeded, and You couldn’t imagine a world where that ended well for anyone involved. On the other hand, Riko had demonstrated impressive self-control thus far. You wasn’t sure how long that would hold up, especially if she caught wind of sensitive information.

Then again, Chika was transparent as all hell. You knew there was still a risk here, but once again, her curiosity won out. She took a deep breath, realizing she’d spaced out for more than a moment. Riko didn’t press for time on her end.

“Chika-chan thinks you replaced her.” You held her breath, but Riko didn’t give her any sort of reaction. She shuffled her feet, mentally stumbling over what she’d say next. “Not, like, with anyone, but with your other dreams. Going away to music school, becoming a professional musician. All of that.”

“Yeah. Chika-chan couldn’t stand being apart from me for more than a few days.” Riko’s voice teemed with warmth, negative as the association seemed to be. “I was the same way, for a while. Since we started dating in high school, and lived right next to each other, we just…” Gradually, Riko’s voice faded not in volume, but in intensity. The tenderness in her voice gave way to a thin anxiety. “We thought it would be that way forever. You know when you’re young like that, and that small world of high school’s all you know. It’s easier to say you’ll make it work. Or that I’m not going anywhere. I told her that all the time.”

Riko fell silent. Against the soft rush of the sea, You knew what was coming next.

“That didn’t last long. Uchiura was great, but… I don’t know. Maybe I get restless too easily.”

“What do you mean?” You asked.

“You know why I moved to Uchiura in the first place. I felt stuck, like my piano-playing wasn’t going anywhere.”

You thought back to that day, which seemed like so long ago. Chika had leapt out of her seat, her eyes shining at the pretty transfer student. Her fixation on Riko had been obvious from the start. “It worked out for you,” You said.

“It did. The reasons for it were a little fickle, though, don’t you think?”

You rocked back on her heels. The ocean breeze nipped at her legs. “What’s your point?”

“I don’t think I’ve changed, You-chan.” Riko’s voice was unsteady, almost pleading. It sounded like she was desperate for You, or for anyone, to agree with her. “I feel like I should’ve been happy with what I had, with Chika-chan and all of you. But I wasn’t. I wanted more, or maybe I just wanted something different.

“And this is _Chika-chan_ we’re talking about. That’s who I gave up for… for _this_.” Riko’s last word echoed through the phone. You imagined it ringing out in a hollow Tokyo bedroom, well-furnished, pretty, with a good view and still so empty.

“I loved her, You-chan.”

You swallowed the lump in her throat. The act of speaking was physically painful for her. Her hands trembled, and bringing her other hand up to clutch her phone did little to soothe her fears of dropping it through the cracks. “I think, deep down, she knew you still loved her.” Her voice hitched at the word ‘loved.’ She didn’t want to cross any tenuous boundary she had with Riko here. “But she wanted to be the most important person in your life, and she just didn’t see that.”

“Yeah. There were months where our relationship felt stagnant, and the second I’d bring up moving to Tokyo, she’d have a fit.” Riko sounded less forlorn and more wistful. It surprised You, who was listening intently; maybe enough time had passed that she could look at their failed relationship more objectively. “I’d argue my side, but after a while I realized that she and I just wanted different things out of each other. It was irreconcilable.”

You took all of this in. It didn’t take her long, since Riko’s side of the story matched up with Chika’s almost perfectly. Her silence, however, allowed Riko to step in and offer one last thought.

“I hope you don’t think too ill of me.”

You scoffed at the idea. “I would if there was a clear right and wrong here,” she assured Riko. “But there isn’t. You wanted Chika-chan to give up what she knew to take a risk. Chika-chan wanted you to stay here. Who’s to say?”

“Right.” You heard some more idle sounds in the background, and she took a few steps down the pier to match. “It’s easy to say it now, but at the time, I felt like I had to convince her to step away from the inn. That living with me in Tokyo for a couple years, maybe permanently, was somehow better than the life she had. And...” Riko withdrew for a moment. “That was my mistake. I thought I knew Chika-chan better than she knew herself, so I tried to change her.

“She deserves to be happy. My one regret is that I can’t give that to her, because I was trying too hard to change her mind. Fit her to become what I wanted. That was hopeless. Chika-chan won’t budge for anyone, not even a girl she loves, one of her best friends. And I realized that too late.”

You said nothing. Her thumb hovered over the “end call” button. Though it would be rude, she knew what Riko was heading towards. They both knew, and yet somehow, if it wasn’t spoken aloud, perhaps they could still avoid it. Neither of them spoke. The lull in the conversation stretched on, allowing You to wander further along the pier.

“Why do you keep getting in the way of your own happiness, You-chan?”

_Ah. There it is._

“This isn’t about me.”

“I beg to differ,” Riko shot back with vitriol.

You felt her jaw slacken, only slightly, not enough to hit the floor. She was at a loss for words, and all she could do was kick at the ground. When Riko heaved a crackling sigh, so exhaustive that it passed the volume threshold on the speaker, You knew what was coming next.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you like that.”

“It’s okay.”

Silence on Riko’s end, broken every few moments by the rustling of pages in the background. You tried to hold her breath, lest her heavy breathing betray the nerves lighting her fingertips, leading her to fidget.

“Can I tell you something, Riko-chan?”

“That depends. Do you trust me?”

“I guess? If you were still talking to Chika-chan, I’d know by now.”

“Yeah. I might tell Yocchan, but she can keep a secret.”

You laughed, imagining Yoshiko indulging herself in gossip. It was almost impossible to reconcile that with her usual image. “I’m not worried about that.” Riko laughed, but didn’t follow up otherwise. The momentary smile was wiped from You’s lips, and she licked them as she felt her mouth run dry.

“My happiness is Chika-chan’s happiness. If she wanted to be with me, then I wouldn’t hold anything back.” She ran a trembling hand through her wind-swept hair, leaning back on her heels and fidgeting to keep her voice steady. These were words she’d lived by until now, but saying them aloud carried a certain finality to them, like she couldn’t take it back. Like she was sealing her fate purely through her own doing. “But I think I’d know if she wants to be with me. I’m her number one confidant, like you said. But all she can think about is you.”

A couple seconds passed. When Riko said nothing, You braced herself for any number of worst-case scenarios. But the response she got was one she hadn’t prepared for at all.

“You’re wrong, You-chan.”

You blinked. Once, then twice, but Riko’s words didn’t change shape in her mind the more she processed them. All she managed was a singular “What?”

“I mentioned how I tried to change her,” Riko said, seemingly unfazed by how blindsided You was. “After months of trying, I realized I couldn’t. Of course, I also realized why.”

You folded her free arm across her chest, rocking back on her heels again. She didn’t know what to say, so she just waited for Riko to gather her thoughts, articulate herself as clearly as possible. Admittedly, it was one upside of talking to her as opposed to Chika, who lacked any sort of filter between her mind and her mouth.

“Chika-chan is headstrong,” Riko went on. “She’s clingy, too, and when she cares, she cares hard. She’d never admit it herself, but that approach to life really wears down on her. You know, charging forward like that all on her own. Sometimes, she needs someone to take _her_ hand and tell _her_ where to go next.

“Not changing her, just... leading her somewhere she doesn’t know she wants to be led. Returning the favor for all the times she’s led us, if you will.” There was a fondness to Riko’s voice that You couldn’t place, but she imagined Riko, miles and miles away, relating all this with a sad smile.

You wasn’t quite getting the point, though. She paced around the width of the pier, casting worried glances back at the inn with every round she made. “What does that have to do with me?”

“That’s up to you, You-chan! She doesn’t listen to anyone else but you.”

“I dunno about that.” You tried to dismiss the idea, shaking her head rapidly. “Sure, she tells me everything. And I usually know what’ll work best for her. But if I try to tell her before she’s ready, she’ll never listen. Or maybe she’ll pretend to take me seriously, and go out and not do it anyway.”

“Don’t tell her, You-chan. _Show_ her.”

“Show her?” You struggled to make sense of it. Her finger tapped absently against her elbow. “What -”

“You know what I mean.” Riko cut in, and You felt her resolve shrink in the face of Riko’s sudden tonal shift. “You can make her happy, You-chan. You’re already really good at that. Better than I was.”

That was a bold claim, You thought. She tilted her head back, staring at the cloudy night sky, devoid of any stars. “Why are you telling me this?”

“Like I said, Chika-chan deserves to be happy. And I know something that can make her happy when I see it. You’re not the only one that knows her, you know.”

“But… but…” You fumbled for words. This couldn’t be happening. Chika’s ex was telling her to date Chika? “Why? I mean, you two were dating less than a year ago.” She knew better than to question a golden opportunity, but her curiosity and plain confusion ate away at her.

Riko sighed. “Okay,” she relented, her tone suddenly curt. “I’ll be selfish for a moment. If you date Chika-chan, it will prove to me that I wasn’t right for her. I’ll stop losing sleep over it.”

The declaration seemed to suck all the ambient sound out of their conversation. You fidgeted. The ensuing silence was painfully awkward. Why had Riko told her this over the phone? As it was, You was alone in trying to process this. She turned her head but was only met with the darkness of the sea, the last stretches of light from the buildings melting into black here.

The silence on Riko’s end bled into her ear. “Oh,” You forced out, the word leaden on her tongue. She’d pressed for a reason, and when Riko obliged, she didn’t know what to say. This was on her.

“I’ll talk to you later. Let me know how it goes, okay?” The receiver cut out before You could wish her well, and she was left to stare at her phone screen as Riko’s amicable profile picture stared back.

The ocean breeze whistled in You’s ears, ringing hollow in lieu of Riko’s normally cheery voice. It reminded her that it wasn’t getting any warmer here, and the conversation that kept her outside was now over. She still had a lot to think about.

There was Riko, who wanted to see Chika happy. Yet she admitted to holding a more selfish motive in tandem with that noble sentiment. There was You herself, who hesitated at the best opportunity she’d seen to come clean to her best friend. And there was Chika. For as much as that girl wore her heart on her sleeve, she was nigh unreadable when it came to her feelings for You, an issue that had only become worse in the past 24 hours.

You glanced at the time. She’d kept Chika waiting, and though her heart thumped in her chest, threatening to break out into a cold sweat. She didn’t have the time to dwell on all of this. She wasn’t the least bit prepared, but that decision wasn’t hers to make. With a cautious optimism holding her head afloat, she started back towards the inn.

Inside, there were few signs of life, only one light on in the landing. While You could navigate to Chika’s room with her eyes closed, the normally peaceful atmosphere of the inn was almost eerie. Riko’s gentle urging still echoed in her ears. You had thought that Riko demonstrated impressive maturity, especially after her relationship with Chika had ended, but now she wondered just how true that was.

You found herself in front of Chika’s room. Her talk with Riko was already making her head swim, but then there was Chika herself. You had felt trapped in that room with her, just minutes before. Apparently, no amount of encouragement from Kanan could prepare her for the real thing, for Chika actually, truly confronting the matter of the feelings they both held.

But she’d avoided it for long enough. While neither she and Chika weren’t going anywhere, they weren’t getting any younger, either. You thought she could be 30 years old and still scared stiff about confessing. This was the closest she’d ever gotten.

She took a deep breath and slid open the door. Chika was there, in almost the same position as when she’d left, kneeling on the ground with a Sapporo in her hand. She side-eyed You as she walked in, mid-swig.

“Everything alright?” Chika asked, and You’s gave her a stiff nod in reply. Chika promptly slid a can to her as she sat down.

You shrugged. Anything to distract her from the deafening roar in her ears. She cracked it open and took a long drink, waiting for the flurry of questions to come.

It didn’t. Chika watched her with interest. At some point, she leaned forward, resting her chin atop her elbow. “Want to get drunk tonight, You-chan?”

You took in the crimson that adorned Chika’s face, then the many cans scattered haphazardly on the table. It was a familiar sight, but this time the cans had ended up there without her knowing. “You’re already drunk,” You said, watching Chika wobble from side to side, her half-lidded smile never leaving her face.

“No, no…” Chika waved her other hand. “Not me. You, You-chan. You need to get drunk…”

“Well, sure, but…”

“Sometimes,” Chika went on, bobbing her head, “I feel like it’s just me.” She looked up, fixing You in place with watery eyes. “Wouldn’t it be fun, You-chan? If we were both… just,” she balled her other hand into a fist, making some sort of indiscernible motion. “Wasted,” she finished.

You recalled their conversation from not one hour prior. If Riko hadn’t called at that moment, where would they be right now? She didn’t know if reckless drinking would get them closer to that moment or farther away - or which route she preferred.

_She doesn’t listen to anyone else but you._

The pack of Sapporos were at the foot of the table, making them easy pickings. You pulled one out of the box, and she and Chika shared a wide smile.

“You know what, Chika-chan? I think I’d like that.”

* * *

 

You’s head spun as she leaned it back, letting it rest on the bed sheets. A thin haze of beer coated her taste buds, dark and bitter. She tilted back her fifth can with her one free hand. Warmth spread from the pit of her stomach to the apex of her forehead. Surely she was bright red, but that wasn’t a problem to her. She set the can down, her fingers hanging on the lip for a second. With the whole room out of balance, she didn’t know if it would keel over, just like she wanted to do.

In some ideal world, You would have claimed she and Chika ended up like this by coincidence, huddled together at the foot of the bed, Chika’s head on her shoulder, having long since discarded any sense of self-respect at the hands of their reckless consumption.

In reality, however, You had watched Chika inch her way towards the edge of the bed with each Sapporo she’d downed, until she finally found a comfortable position to rest her back against. With last night’s events still fresh in her mind, You had joined her, leaving no space between them, and Chika eased herself into the crook of You’s neck. They remained that way in relative silence. Occasionally, Chika would punctuate the air with wishy-washy declarations on the quality of the beer, but otherwise, You gladly let her presence of mind slip away from her, giving in instead to the warmth she now shared with Chika.

“You-chan!” Chika suddenly shouted in her ear, shattering the lull that had settled over the room. She shifted onto her knees, reaching out and wrapping her arms around You’s neck. You grunted as Chika leaned further into her, but didn’t have the strength or heart to push her away.

“You-chaaaan,” Chika repeated. You’s own name bounced around in her ears, accented by the whiny nature with which Chika said it.

“Chika-chan…” You mirrored the high arc and sharp lilt of Chika’s voice, finding a certain joy in the way it rolled off her tongue. “I’m drunk,” she admitted with grave force.

“Me too!” Chika’s breath glanced off her ear. “Dammit! You beat me to it,” she pouted, slumping over again. You slouched down to accommodate her while she picked up her beer again. As she drank, her eyes never left the mass of orange hair that occupied her lower field of vision.

“Well, it’s nice,” You breathed, in tune with Chika’s every minute movement. “I might say something stupid, though.” She passed it off as a joke, but it was a fear that tumbled over and over in her heart.

“That’s what we’re here for,” Chika giggled, her head restless on You’s shoulder. At her feet, You could make out a small pile of silver cans. She wasn’t sure how much of those were her own, and how much were Chika’s. But they were both drunk, so You didn’t dwell on the matter.

When You realized her can was empty, she let it fall over and tilted her head forward, reaching up at the same time to run her fingers through Chika’s hair. For all of her animated gesturing just moments before, Chika stayed oddly silent the whole time, letting You touch her. Amongst the tangle of hair, You’s mouth brushed with the top of Chika’s head. She didn’t know how to react. Chika didn’t either, if her even breathing was any sign.

“What’s gonna happen when you leave tonight, You-chan?” Chika whispered into her shoulder. In their somewhat compromising position, You couldn’t hear how much Chika’s words bled into each, much less their general coherence.

“You don’t want me to stay the night?” You couldn’t hide her disappointment as she drew back, sitting more upright. 

“Say you do,” Chika responded in stride, which caught You off-guard. “Then what?”

You tried to grasp at a fitting response, but any semblance of one eluded her the harder she tried. She found this reflected in her eyes; they struggled to latch on to any one feature of the room, instead meandering stubbornly about. She let her fingers trace the outline of Chika’s arm, finding comfort in that one constant. In her mental wandering, she again touched upon her exchange with Riko, less than an hour before.

_“You can make her happy, You-chan. You’re already really good at that.”_

“We’d wake up hungover as fuck.” You deflected the question, again stomping on the feelings that welled up in her. It was worth it when Chika burst out laughing. It was an unhinged bout, spurred on mostly by the sheer amount of alcohol that surely ran through Chika’s veins at that moment, loud, piercing, and not the least bit ashamed.

It caught You off guard, but she soon found herself laughing all the same.

“No, no,” Chika gasped for air. Her left hand moved to clutch at her side, while her other stayed latched onto You’s shoulder. “Drink water… don’t be a dumbass…”

This time, it was You who couldn’t control her laughter; having not expected that particular word choice, she let out an ungainly snort, and that was all it took for them to double over each other once more. Normally, You would have tried to put a volume cap on their drunken ramblings, but that was the farthest thing from her mind tonight.

“It’s too late,” she whispered. “We’re dumbasses no matter what. So we have to look out for each other.” She found Chika’s hand, still on her shoulder, and grasped it tightly in her own. The declaration should have been humorous, but Chika only responded with a squeeze on their interlocked fingers, and the room fell silent once more. You closed her eyes, letting her head lean against Chika’s. She wanted to stay connected like this. If they woke up the next morning with hangovers and neck pains, she could live with that.

“You’re pretty good at that, You-chan.” Chika’s voice put that fantasy on hold. “Why?”

It should have been a simple question, but it was unsettling in its simplicity. You opened her eyes, but from this angle, she couldn’t see Chika’s expression. “Why what?” You asked.

“Why are you so nice to me?”

You frowned. The question echoed last night’s, so she didn’t know why Chika was asking again. “Because -” she started, but Chika cut her off.

“It’s not just ‘cause you’re my friend,” she intoned. “You could be meaner.”

“I want to see you happy.” You shrugged as best she could with Chika all over her. 

“Like I said, this makes me happy. You make me happy.”

You kneaded Chika’s fingers in her own. Those words should have made her happy, but You couldn’t help but think they weren’t originally meant for her. Before she could push down her insecurities, they drunkenly tumbled out of her.

“Am I enough for you?”

You felt a hitch in Chika’s idle motion. You’s breath similarly caught in her throat. Through the cold fear that settled into her chest as a result of the prolonged silence, she only found solace in Chika’s hand, still clasped with her own.

“You-chan,” Chika murmured. “Oh, You-chan.” She still lingered on her words longer than she would sober, but her voice carried a profound sadness that no amount of alcohol could contain.

Chika untangled her hand from You’s and brought it to rest on the nape of You’s neck. You could only sit there and let Chika touch her, but even she didn’t expect Chika to sit up. It felt like the world was moving at half-speed as Chika moved to caress the top of You’s head. Perhaps it was the alcohol, but whatever the reason, Chika brought her face to be level with You’s. Before You could process what was happening, Chika tilted her chin up, leaned forward, and planted a kiss on You’s forehead.

“You really need to ask?” Chika whispered as she pulled back. You could still feel the imprint of her lips on her forehead. The gentle affection that shone in Chika’s eyes, that showed in her slightly upturned eyebrows, almost made You clamp her mouth shut. But her heart still ached with a dull, muted pain, and the hurt clawed up her throat and out her mouth.

“I… don’t know,” You said. Chika was still on her knees, staring at You with kind, soft eyes. You, however, struggled to keep eye contact; the loose tanktop Chika often wore to bed wasn’t doing You any favors in maintaining this conversation.

“Why?”

You barked out a short laugh, but it faded as quickly as the wry smile did from her face. She bit back the years of inadequacy that she’d repressed and learn to push down. Now was not a good time to lash out, so she kept her mouth shut, letting the question dissipate unanswered.

Chika tilted her head. On her hands and knees, she crawled forward until she was practically on top of You. “I don’t like to see you like this, You-chan.” She sat up, straddling You in the process. You couldn’t move even if she wanted to. “This… isn’t new, is it?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve been hurting for a while, haven’t you?”

The simple question, and the perceptiveness it demonstrated, halted any immediate response from You. As she sat there, silent, Chika nodded, having found her answer.

“Okay,” Chika whispered, her voice quiet but now determined. “You’ve done so much for me. It’s time I do something for you.” Her eyes drifted to You’s mouth. She reached out and brushed her fingers across You’s slightly parted lips, causing You to jump.

“W-what?” You stammered, flushing further when she saw Chika’s half-lidded eyes. This was happening far too fast. Chika’s actions flew in the face of everything she’d ranted about up until now, but all You wanted to do was  “Do what?” she dared to ask, though given their position, she could guess if she were so inclined.

“You’re lonely, You-chan.” Chika said simply. “So am I. So.” She shrugged, her fingers now trailing down the side of You’s chin.

You’s head spun. There were several things wrong with that line of thinking. “That’s -”

“It’s okay,” Chika murmured. “I know you’re not Riko-chan.”

You stared into Chika’s earnest, shining eyes. While those words normally would have set off another bout of insecurity inside of her, their shared drunken closeness took precedence over all of her worries. With their noses almost touching, she felt like she couldn’t deny Chika, or herself, any longer.

You trailed her right hand upwards, one finger finding purchase under Chika’s chin. Chika took the hint, lifting her head under the gentle guidance of You’s hand. Their eyes met. You could feel the heat radiating off of Chika’s face, and knew Chika could feel the same from her. They were so close. Chika’s lips were so close. What else could You do? She leaned in.

Her voice soft and warm, You whispered, “I’m not going anywhere, okay?”

Suddenly, You felt the presence in front of her vanish. The comforting presence was replaced by a void, and her eyes snapped open. Chika had scrambled back, still by You’s side, but now with her knees pulled to her chin. She looked up at You with wide eyes, rocking back and forth slightly. You was rooted to the spot. Her intoxication only exacerbated the acute pain in her chest.

The silence was agonizing. You wondered if she should make a break for the door or try and address the problem, but Chika made that decision for her.

“That’s what Riko-chan used to say.”

You stiffened. Regrettably, the picture in her mind was all too clear: Riko’s gentle words of reassurance, with the loving embrace to accompany her words. The quiet gesture would mask the fears of both Chika and Riko herself, grasping desperately on to some far-off vision of the future.

Of course, any hope of that future had died long ago, and You now saw the after effects right in front of her eyes.

“Sorry,” You forced out. She struggled for a more detailed, sincere apology, but felt like she was swiping at thin air. A tinge of regret clawed at her heart.

“No, no, it’s not your fault,” Chika muttered, almost frantically to herself. “You didn’t know. Right?”

Chika rocked back and forth. Curled up as she was, she looked uncertain, helpless, even. Her eyes stayed rooted to the floor. You watched her, not daring to move. She didn’t want to risk agitating Chika further, but the tension of their interrupted encounter still weighed on her shoulders.

“Who were you talking to earlier?” Amidst the silence, Chika’s whisper seemed ear-piercing. “On the phone.”

You’s heart clenched. “What?”

“It was Riko-chan, wasn’t it?”

You’s mouth opened and closed. She was a good liar only if she had time to rehearse her lines, which she so often did. But blindsided as she was now, all she could do was flail mentally for an answer.

Chika’s eyes widened. Tears welled up in her eyes, but she made no effort to hide them or brush them away. “Why?” Her voice trembled. The sound crowded You’s throat, choking any defense or explanation.

“Why?” You echoed, mirroring Chika’s own helplessness. “She’s my friend too, Chika-chan.”

Chika shook her head slowly. “What did she tell you?”

You frowned. “What’s there to tell?”

“About me.”

You opened her mouth, ready to clear up the situation. It was just a misunderstanding, but a thought passed through You’s head before she could say anything, a remnant of her conversation not with Riko, but with Kanan earlier that day.

_But what about you? She’s leaned on you a lot lately._

Chika’s demand was innocent enough. But as You turned Kanan’s words over in her head, a dangerous thought took hold. Despite what they had been inching towards not minutes before, Chika’s inquiry now threw everything else into question. Who was she doing this for?

You didn’t want to think that Chika was only looking out for herself, but shards of jealousy started to prickle at the edges of her skin. Somewhere amongst the resentment and insecurity, she knew she’d regret it if she lashed out, but there was only so much silent suffering she could take.

“It wasn’t about you, Chika-chan,” You replied in a clipped voice. Despite her best efforts, she couldn’t keep the resentment out of her voice. “We just caught up a bit. That’s all.”

“But -”

“But _nothing_ ,” You cut her off. She heard her voice rising, but it was too late. Words spilled out of her mouth as quickly as she could process them. “We don’t just talk about you.”

They _had_ talked about Chika, but right now, she didn’t need to know that.

Still, Chika persisted. She didn’t key into You’s change in tone, likely because she was too wrapped up in her own heartache. “What else would you talk about?” she pressed. “I’m always ‘Riko-chan this, Riko-chan that,’ so she has to be the same way for me. Right?”

“You? What about _me_ , Chika-chan?” You demanded, balling her hand into a fist. “You don’t know what this has been like for me.”

Chika chewed on her lip, hurt clear on her face. Whether it was from You’s words or the constant thought of Riko, You wasn’t sure. “Why won’t you tell me?” Chika murmured, avoiding You’s question completely. “I just want to know.”

For once, Chika’s pain didn’t win over You’s sympathy. She knew she was being insensitive, but for once, You couldn’t bear to be the punching bag. “Why are you the only one who gets to be hurt?” You looked away, not wanting to see how Chika would react. Now that she’d started putting her insecurities out there, she couldn’t stop. “It’s not just you. Did you know that? Or are you too busy feeling sorry for yourself?”

“O-of course not,” Chika stammered, but her voice was absent of resolve or assurance. “Just now, I-”

“You what, Chika-chan?” You snapped. “Who were you seeing just now? When we were -” the words lodged in her throat. Even now, she couldn’t bring herself to say anything implicative. “Was it really me? Or was it Riko-chan?”

“No!” Some force finally returned to Chika’s voice. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Why?” You insisted, though her aching heart had long been telling her to shut up. “Because I’m not Riko-chan?”

“I know you’re not Riko-chan! You could never replace her!”

You felt like she’d been stabbed in the chest. An oppressive silence pervaded the room, one You couldn’t bear. Chika looked away. If she regretted what she had said, she made no attempt to make reparations.

“I, um...” You scrambled drunkenly to her feet. Chika made no motion to stop her, and You’s heart sunk further into hopelessness. “I should go.” She stumbled over the minefield of empty cans, her path far from straight. Her vision was blurry, partly out of intoxication and partly from the tears that spilled over and ran down her cheeks. She made no attempt to wipe them away.

As she threw open the door, You risked one last look behind her. Chika was still huddled into herself, hiding her face from You. She looked impossibly small.

With Chika’s words ringing in her ears, You slammed the door shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> top 10 anime betrayals


	4. Nicotine & Tangerines

You sat, listless, on the inn’s front porch. She thumbed through her phone, making no attempt to process any of the pictures or links she scrolled by. The harsh light of the screen forced her to squint, but she didn’t find it in herself to care.

Her chest still stung from her outburst in Chika’s room just moments prior, and her spinning head did little to alleviate the numbness she felt in the rest of her body. The inn was silent as ever, and though You hadn’t expected Chika to come after her, her absence was all the more reason to go back and start this night all over again.

You wiped at her eyes, sniffling. _Gross,_ she thought. She cursed her lack of foresight in not bringing tissues, even though she never could have prepared for a scenario as bad as this. It simply hadn’t occurred to her.

Kanan’s car creaked up to the entrance of Chika’s ryokan not five minutes later, its driver peering out the cracked window. You walked around to the passenger side and made a show of throwing the door open, climbing in, and slamming it closed without a word. Though her mind was racing a mile a minute, without a single sober thought crammed into that jumbled mess, she still felt Kanan scrutinizing her. But instead of grilling her, her senior looked past the window for a second, towards the closed front door of the ryokan, before lurching the car into drive and speeding off.

The silence soon set in. You felt Kanan’s eyes trained on her. The car puttered and the wind howled outside, but You still wished Kanan could drive a little faster. The last thing she wanted was to recount the sudden downward turn her night had taken.

“Talk to me, You.” Kanan said. Her face was impassable. You pulled a dramatic frown in reply, but Kanan didn’t budge.

“What’s there to say?” You turned back towards the window. “If it went well, I wouldn’t have asked for a ride.”

“Clearly.”

You blew out a sigh through her nose. It was pointless to call Kanan out on her passive-aggressive response, meant to incite a reaction out of You. She bit back her snarky comment and instead chose to answer: “I yelled at her.”

Kanan bit her lip and nodded slowly, a silent permission for You to continue.

“She yelled at me too.”

“Not the best outcome.”

“Yeah.” You laughed grimly at the understatement. “It was going great at first. She was all over me, and I thought it was a perfect time to ask her how she felt. About me. But…” Her heart clenched. “Then Riko-chan came up.”

Kanan’s shoulders slumped. “Have you two ever, like…” She waved her hand around vaguely. “..talked about Riko?”

“Of course -”

“No, not Chika’s one-sided rants,” Kanan interrupted. “Like, actually _talked_ about her.”

You opened her mouth, expecting a quick rebuttal to form on the tip of her tongue, but it never came. Kanan’s words bounced around in her mind, and the more they did, the more she faltered.

Kanan watched her out of the corner of her eye. Her eyebrows were upturned, a frown painting her mouth. You hoped it was in sympathy, rather than pity.

“We haven’t.”

Kanan nodded to herself. You let her think it over, though she had an inkling that Kanan was expecting that answer. “Remember what I asked you this morning?” her senior asked.

You mulled over the most important, and most scathing, bits of their talk for all of a few seconds. “Yeah, you were right. I can’t say no to Chika-chan.”

“Know why I didn’t tell you to do something about it?” Kanan asked.

You shook her head, feeling her head spin for a few seconds after she’d stopped. At least she was sober enough to hold her own in this conversation, but whatever solace she took in that fact paled when compared to the ache in her heart.

“It’s been a problem for so long.” Above the steering wheel, Kanan cupped her hands together. “You two let it sit around until…” She let them drift apart, as though her palms had a bottom which she was letting fall out. “It had to explode, boil over, whatever. There was no other way.”

You sighed. The mere thought of defending herself, let alone Chika, sent a wave of exhaustion down her spine. “Guess so.” Her voice was hollow.

“At least you did one responsible thing tonight. You called me instead of trying to walk home on your own.”

You stared out the window. The headlights of Kanan’s car skirted the edges of the beach on their left, and You watched the shoreline fly past them, the sea beyond lost to the night. She half-expected a kaiju to come roaring through the darkness, but for as long as she stared, she only saw the first few inches of sand, an arm’s length out in front of her. “The list ends there.” She knocked her hand absently against the window, then added: “Not sure what comes after the blow-up.”

Kanan said nothing. Her car radio had broken years ago, so they had nothing to distract the two of them, no sad, forlorn soundtrack to accentuate the turn You’s night had taken. You propped her elbow on the side of the car door, pressing her palm to her chin. The smell of beer, with a touch of citrus, remained there, carrying a sour tang with it. She was too tired to do anything but sigh.

“Do you regret it?” Kanan asked.

You spat out a dry laugh. “Right now I do.” She eyed Kanan from her peripheral vision. Kanan kept her eyes on the road.

“Yeah, I would too.”

“Why’d you ask, then?”

Kanan rolled down You’s window, and a sudden gust of wind buffeted You squarely in the face. You flinched at the chilly ocean breeze. “Hey!” she protested, her irritation boiling over when she saw Kanan’s smug grin. “What was that for?”

“I wanted to see some life out of you.” Kanan punched You lightly on the shoulder. “You’ve been a dead woman walking since you got in this car.”

“That’s ‘cause -”

“I know, I know,” Kanan interrupted her. “I know it sucks. But no matter how this affects you and Chika, you’ll thank yourself later. It’ll be liberating. And really painful. But you’ll feel free, and that alone makes it worth it.”

You tried to blow  her hair out of her eyes, but the wind just shoved it right back in her face. “You sound pretty confident,” she said, thinking back to how Riko had said those same words to her less than an hour ago. The circumstances had reversed since then, and now she was the doubtful one. There was humor somewhere in this irony, but it was lost on her.

Kanan stifled a laugh when she saw how haphazard You’s hair was. She rolled up the window again in an act of mercy, though she left it cracked open by a hair. “Your relationship with Chika can survive one fight. Probably more.”

You shook her head slowly. “Survive? Maybe. But that’s not what I want.”

“Hey, there you go!” Kanan said with enough enthusiasm for the both of them. “You’re being upfront about what you want.”

You rolled her eyes, then shot Kanan an unimpressed glare.

Kanan steered her focus back towards the road. “Ah. That’s a shitty consolation prize, I bet.”

You said nothing, but her mind still whirred. They were about halfway to You’s apartment - now was the best time to bring up the ever-present third party between herself and Chika.

“Riko-chan came up because she called me out of the blue.”

Kanan snorted, and both girls exchanged a humored glance at the force of her reaction. “Perfect timing.”

“I thought the same thing,” You laughed along. This time, the comedic timing of Riko’s call wasn’t lost on her.

“What did she want to talk about?”

You shrugged. “Maybe she has some sixth sense? Like, she knew what was going on when she called?” When Kanan gave her a confused look, You tried to explain. “She wanted to cheer me on. Give me a push about Chika-chan, kinda like you did yesterday morning.”

Kanan scratched her head. “That’s…” she paused. “That’s pretty selfless of her.”

You looked away, trying to hide her incredulous frown. “Riko-chan always means well,” she deflected.

“Why’d she do that? You know Riko better than I do.”

“She thinks it’s best for all of us. Chika-chan, her.” You rolled up the window. A split-second vacuum of air sucked away all the noise, blanketing her and Kanan in silence. “Me,” she added.

“Do you agree with her?”

“I _did_.”

Kanan cast her another sideways look. “Maybe she’s right. In the long term. Not now.”

“Maybe.”

You wasn’t sure how long the rest of the ride took. Her mind wasn’t occupied with conversation, merely content to wander until it spun circles inside of her head. She watched the sidewalk zip by until Kanan’s car screeched to a halt outside of You’s apartment. You started to get out, but a hand on her sleeve stopped her. When she turned around, Kanan’s serious countenance froze her in place. “Hey, You.”

“Yeah?”

Kanan released her sleeve. “I’d say ‘give it time,’ but…”

You was free to head inside, but she stayed put, watching Kanan as she hummed to herself idly. “It’s Chika,” Kanan finished. “You might hear from her sooner than you think.”

You laughed wryly, rubbing the back of her neck. “Think that’s a good thing?”

“You mean a lot to her, You,” Kanan shrugged, her eyes still locked with You’s. The soft, knowing nature of her stare made You shiver. It should have been a meaningless platitude, said with the sole purpose of making You feel better. But despite everything that had happened that night, You could only respond with the tiniest of nods.

“Thanks for the ride, Kanan-chan.” She turned and immediately lurched forward, stumbling to a stop. Her cheeks bloomed red, knowing Kanan was grinning behind her back, and started up the stairs to her apartment. The car’s rumbling engine was still audible even as she let herself in.

* * *

 

The moment she regained the slightest bit of consciousness, You knew two things. The first was that she would benefit greatly from getting an extra three to four hours of sleep. The second was that those hours would be nigh unattainable, because the morning sun slanted into her bedroom at the exact angle that hit her eyelids. She groaned and rolled onto her side, right into the line of fire, and the brightness behind her eyelids only grew in intensity. A few stubborn moments of squeezing her eyes shut proved hopeless, and she hoisted herself out of bed, shuffling to the blinds and closing them completely so that her room was couched in darkness once more. The damage had long been done, though. She sat on the edge of her bed, holding her head in her hands and trying to stifle the piercing pain that lanced through her skull.

You tried to sort out the whirlwind of events that began with her stumbling outside Chika’s family inn, but she could only remember those brief moments before passing out at her own apartment: a brief thanks to Kanan for dropping her off, stumbling into the empty apartment, and falling headfirst into bed. One look at her still-damp pillow was enough to tell her what she’d done next.

That was as far as she got before a wave of bile climbed up her throat. She squeezed her eyes shut, willing herself not to give in and sprint to the toilet. The moment passed, and she heaved a thankful sigh.

Her high alcohol tolerance often allowed her to avoid hangovers. Though her consumption rate had been a little out of control as of late, she always made she to keep herself hydrated. This applied to those she drank with too, although she’d learned through experience that getting a wasted person to drink even a few sips of water was often a toss-up.

But after last night’s disaster, You hardly had the strength to stumble into her bed after Kanan dropped her off. Drinking water was the last thing on her mind, even though her extended crying session most likely exacerbated her lack of hydration.

“Stupid, stupid You.” She sniffled, wiping pathetically at her nose with a sleeve that reeked of stale beer. She had no tears left to cry after last night, though. In some bitter, twisted way, she was thankful for that, because she had an imposing headache to nurse. She leaned over, pulling out the single drawer in her nightstand. Some blind digging didn’t produce the Tylenol she was looking for, but rather an unopened pack of cigarettes.

You beheld the pack in front of her for a long moment. The whole “smoking” thing was something she’d taken up almost right after high school. Less than a week into her adult life, the unbearable boredom cajoled her into searching for a hobby. Naturally, she gravitated towards the least responsible, most “rebellious” option possible. It helped that she had an enabler in Kanan. It didn’t help that she had naysayers in Dia, Chika, Riko, and most other people in her life. She quit less than a month later.

Now, the cute, somewhat deformed mascot grinned wickedly back at her from the box. You tossed it up and down a few times, then peered over the lip of her open drawer. It was absent of any aspirin pills.

“Fuck it.” You muttered, resigned. She had a dual head- and heartache to deal with. That was enough of an excuse for her.

The cigarette felt comfortable in her mouth, and a quick search through the house unearthed a lighter on the kitchen counter. She had it lit in no time at all.

After throwing open a window, You slumped onto the couch. She took a long drag, thankful that it didn’t rile her lungs and throw her into a coughing fit. Leaning her head back onto the cushion, she blew out a long trail of smoke above her, watching it cluster against the ceiling. For once, she was at a complete loss for what she should do next.

Then, the doorbell exploded.

You’s temples immediately started complaining, and she massaged them in a futile attempt to ease the pain. Heaving herself off the couch, she tapped her cigarette in the ashtray left over from those older days before ambling to the door. She’d only hold herself back if a small handful of people stood on the other side; otherwise, they were in for a flurry of irritation.

She swung open the door to be met by her best friend, who she’d seen not 12 hours prior, and who she hadn’t expected to see for a while still.

Chika looked up, the furrow in her brow deepening as she saw the cigarette in You’s mouth. You, meanwhile, struggled to maintain eye contact, as Chika still wore the same tanktop and short shorts she did last night. It was too much.

“I’m coming in.” She barreled forward, and You had to sidestep her, lest she send the both of them tumbling to the floor. “I thought you quit smoking, You-chan.” She whirled around crossed her arms. You half-expected her to turn her nose up as well. There was no trace of joy or gusto in her body language. You wondered if she should’ve turned Chika away at the door. Seeing her so soon after their fight only made her heart hurt.

“I did,” she said, punctuating her point with another deep inhale. If nothing else, she had the sense to blow it out the window and not in the face of the disgruntled, surprisingly sober woman in front of her. “It’s not a problem.”

Chika looked around the apartment, her eyes coming to rest on the coffee table. “If it’s not, then you wouldn’t mind me joining you.” She glided over and flopped down onto the adjacent couch, where she snatched up the lighter and pack of cigarettes. By the time she gave You a questioning look over her shoulder, she already had a cigarette in her mouth. “Just this once, yeah?”

You was too tired to protest, too fed up to object when Chika kicked her legs up onto the coffee table, which was cheap and had seen better days anyway. Despite her better judgment, she joined Chika on the couch, with only a few centimeters between them. As she watched Chika try to light the tobacco stick in her mouth, she said, “Why are you here, Chika-chan?”

Chika flicked away at the lighter. You watched, her patience wearing thin, until the end of the cigarette caught the flame, and Chika’s face lit up for all of a second. She inhaled deeply and instantly launched into a throaty coughing fit, hardly managing to keep the lit cigarette away from anything.

You rolled her eyes. “You don’t inhale the first one,” she muttered, taking the cigarette from Chika’s outstretched hand and holding it over the ashtray as Chika recovered.

“Why didn’t - ” Chika wheezed. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I thought you knew,” You shrugged.

“Now I do.” Chika glared at her out of the corner of her eye. When You leveled it with a cold stare of her own, Chika’s face softened. “Can I have it back?” She pointed at the cigarette in You’s hands. You obliged, observing as Chika took another, more careful drag. They both watched the smoke plume drift towards the window.

“I wanted to say sorry,” Chika said. “For last night.”

You took in Chika’s downcast eyes, a stark contrast from the way her limbs splayed so nonchalantly all across You’s couch. Even with how she presented herself, genuine apologies from Chika were rare, especially ones of her own volition. This was the closest You was probably going to get.

But as surprising as it was, You wasn’t going to accept it outright. She only needed to think about her tear-stained pillow, just a room away, for last night’s memories to painfully beat in her chest. She could forgive Chika for being dense, or for harping on her ex for months after their fallout. But she couldn’t forgive Chika for taking her frustrations out on her.

Admittedly, she’d walked back in after Riko’s phone call with her head held high, her hopes just the same. Yet, with how quickly things went sour after that, she was still aching from the whiplash their fight had inflicted.

She took in Chika’s sorrowful expression. This time, she wasn’t going to let her immense sympathy for Chika take priority over her own heartache. “Why did you yell at me?” You asked testily. “Was it really because of Riko-chan?”

Chika thumbed at the cigarette in her hand, watching it waggle out of the corner of her eye. “Kinda. I shouldn’t’ve yelled at you, but… We’ve never…” she hesitated. Leaning forward to let the ash fall in its designated spot, she kept her eyes glued to her feet. “We’ve never really talked about Riko-chan.”

You thought back to Kanan’s comment from the night before. Hearing the very same thing from Chika herself was strangely unsettling, like Chika had reached into You’s mind and plucked those very same words from her memory.

“When I realized why you said you weren’t going anywhere, I wasn’t ready to hear it. I’ve just…” she waved her cigarette around. The smoke trailed from side to side, and You felt just how helpless Chika was in that moment. “I’ve been so frustrated about Riko-chan for so long. And I started getting frustrated at how frustrated I was. Double frustration.”

You sighed. “I get it,” she admitted, hesitant as she was to take Chika’s side at the moment.

“Right?” Chika agreed, almost casually. “You’d been talking to her on the phone, and I was just… there. I felt left out. I guess all my frustrations about Riko-chan, myself, you… they just…” She trailed off.

“Yeah.” You didn’t need to hear the rest. She understood well enough.

“I do miss Riko-chan,” Chika said. “But you’ve always been here, even when it was… y’know.” She reached for You’s hand. You watched with trepidation, but despite the twinge in her heart, she let Chika take her hand and gently squeeze it. “When it might not have been good for you. I’ve relied on you too much, You-chan. You never complained, but… it was hard for you, wasn’t it?”

You leaned back, letting herself sink into the cushions. Now side-by-side with Chika, she nodded in reply. Chika softly kneaded her fingers through You’s. You knew it was nothing but affectionate, but it still hurt.

“It hurt when you yelled at me like that,” You murmured, staring up at the ceiling.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“I’m not gonna forgive you right away.”

“You probably shouldn’t.”

They sat there in silence. You didn’t have the heart or willpower to take her hand away from Chika’s. While You inhaled another round from her cigarette, Chika leaned over and smothered hers in the ashtray. It had been burnt down about halfway, but You knew better than to encourage such unhealthy habits, smoking though she was herself. Just this once, she supposed.

“You said Riko-chan’s kinda why you yelled at me,” You said. Chika nodded. “What’s the rest of it?”

Chika’s subsequent laugh lacked its usual energy. A tangible awkwardness took its place, and You watched Chika squirm in her seat. The sight would have been cute if the subject matter weren’t so pressing.

“I’m not dumb, You-chan. Well,” Chika paused, a playful, lopsided smile twisting up one corner of her mouth, “I kinda am. But I’m not blind. I know what I was doing last night. Where I wanted that to go.”

You stared into Chika’s crimson eyes. Neither of them wavered, and You knew without asking that Chika was confident in her belief. The tension between them, tangible in the claustrophobic air of Chika’s bedroom, hadn’t disappeared completely, but You found herself growing tired of it all the same. She didn’t want to dance around this any longer.

“I was pretty frustrated too,” You admitted. “It’s been hard for me. You were right.”

Chika’s lip trembled almost imperceptibly, and despite her more sensible side, You hurried to explain herself. “I never regretted it, though. Not until last night, when you said I’m not like Riko-chan.”

Chika stiffened, but You pressed on. There was no more skirting around any of this. “I’m not Riko-chan,” You continued, stumbling over her words. “You were right about that too.”

Chika nodded, though she looked away, the nerves clear on her face.

“So why did you compare me to her?”

“Because…” Chika gnawed on her lip, eyeing the snuffed-out cigarette in the ashtray. “Because I couldn’t help it. You and Riko-chan have made me so, so happy. And I know you care about me. You two are my best friends.” She frowned. “Are. Were. I don’t know. But you’re here now, and Riko-chan isn’t. Anything else would be unfair to you.”

You pressed a hand to her aching head, the persistent reminder of her hangover. “Then…”

“Why did I pull back last night?” Chika asked. Though You’s breath hitched, she was grateful that Chika seemed eager to tackle this as well. Being this honest was hard. You nodded.

Chika shook her head, her gaze intense yet distant at the same time. “I knew what I was doing to you, but I kinda…” She waved around her hands haphazardly. “I freaked out. I couldn’t do it. This…” she gestured again, this time to You and herself. “Us… It’s still kinda new to me, and since I was still yelling about Riko-chan last night… Maybe I wasn’t ready.”

Last night’s pain crept back into You’s heart. Rejection had always been the most daunting possible outcome, but hearing even an implied one like this made her eyes tear up. Maybe she wasn’t ready either.

Chika saw the heartache clear on You’s face and gasped. “I’ve really hurt you, haven’t I?” The tremor on Chika’s lip spread. Tears welled up in her eyes as well. She hurriedly wiped them away. “I’m sorry if you feel like you’re not important to me,” she choked.

This sent another pang through You’s chest. She shook her head, but couldn’t bring herself to lie, so she stayed quiet. Chika watched her for a reaction, and upon seeing none, she continued.

“You’re my You-chan, you know?” The look that Chika gave her was colored with sadness and stained with tears. “You’re here for me, I’m here for you, and that’s how it’s supposed to be. I’m not supposed to think about it any more than that.

“So I didn’t think about it. I didn’t think about it when I started going to you for help over Riko-chan. I didn’t think about it when Riko-chan and I broke up. I… I wasn’t thinking about you at all.” Chika’s silent tears gave way to a weak sob, and she buried her face in her hands.

You didn’t like the sight, because in that moment, she didn’t see the headstrong, bright-eyed girl that she’d grown up with. She didn’t see the relentless optimist or the girl with a heart of gold, one that often took precedence over her brain. She only saw her vulnerable, remorseful best friend, who was so, so tired. Riko was half-right - it was draining, charging forward in the way that Chika did. But as stubborn as Chika was, even she could see when she needed a break.

You took one last drag, then pushed the cigarette into the ashtray. When she sat back, her hand came to rest on Chika’s head, brushing her bangs aside. She leaned in and planted a soft kiss on Chika’s forehead. Chika looked up, her shimmering eyes wide.

“I’m tired, Chika-chan.” You breathed, her voice laced with exhaustion. “Aren’t you?”

Chika sniffled, rubbing hastily at her eyes. “I’m tired of being tired.”

“Come here.” You wrapped her hands around Chika’s neck. Chika obliged, and after a bit of shuffling around, rested her head on You’s shoulder, returning the embrace as best she could. You felt her shirt dampen from the last remnants of Chika’s tears, but she didn’t mind. The feeling only compelled her to run her fingers lightly through Chika’s hair.

You took a deep breath. They’d talked about it for this long, and yet she still felt like it needed to be said. She’d sworn herself to secrecy this whole time, yet the thought of even articulating herself so clearly made her woozy.

“I love you, Chika-chan.”

Chika’s hold on her tightened. Leaning into the crook of You’s neck, she whispered, “I know. I should have known much, much sooner.”

“So much.”

“I know, I know.”

“Do you love me?”

Chika tilted her face up towards You. Staring upwards like this, her eyes pleading with You to sympathize with her, she seemed less self-centered than she ever had been. The constant, silent desperation You felt daily, for Chika to understand her feelings without having to speak them out loud, fell away. It was a novel sensation, a mutual understanding that You hoped to become more familiar with.

“Of course I love you, You-chan.”

“Like -”

“Like I loved Riko-chan?” Chika finished for her. She swept her gaze across the room. Her thoughtful humming vibrated against You’s chest. You found herself relishing the silence, the last few moments where she lived in a world where Chika hadn’t yet laid bare her feelings. She’d learned to lean on it, let the not knowing comfort her. As familiar as she was with the feeling, it was strange to let it go.

“No. It’s different.”

You clamped down on her lip, stifling her usual urge to overreact.

“Riko-chan and I hit it off right away. It felt like…” Chika paused again. “It felt like a spark, or something.”

You had to laugh. Chika’s artistic impulses often reflected the heart she wore on her sleeve. That was apparent even in how she processed emotions, how she saw the world. Some might have called it cheesy, but You thought it was cute, even admirable.

“We thought we could carry that feeling forever,” Chika continued. “But, well.”

“Yeah.”

“But you, You-chan…” Chika looked up at her again. With their noses almost touching, they were as close as they had been last night. “You’ve always loved me. Maybe it’s not always been the same kind of love,” she whispered. You moved to respond, but Chika didn’t give her the chance. “Either way, I thought it would never change, and you’d always love me. I thought it was something I could always depend on, but I never really asked you for it. I didn’t have to.”

You could only nod feebly. A bubble of emotions crowded her throat. Her vision was already blurring.

“Can I ask you?” Chika continued.

You nodded again. Past the lump in her throat, she choked out, “Yes.”

“Can I depend on your love, You-chan?”

“Yes.” You pulled Chika even closer and let the tears come. In seconds, Chika’s shirt was soaked, but she didn’t care. Through her muffled sobs, through the meandering of Chika’s fingers through her hair, she heard Chika murmur, her voice warm and soothing:

“That’s my love for you.”

You wasn’t sure how long she cried, nor did she care. Violent and ugly as her expressions must have been, years of heartache left her body, replaced by the gentle affection that she’d felt, and suppressed, for so long. The most ideal of her daydreams pictured scenes very much like this one, but they’d always been greyed with the shame of harboring feelings for her best friend. Having those same feelings reciprocated was liberating in a way You hadn’t dared to imagine.

When the sobs racking her body began to subside, Chika rolled over so they sat side-by-side once again. She nestled her head into You’s shoulder, and remained there. You was thankful for this silence. What could she say that didn’t take away from this emotional catharsis? Any attempts at processing it, articulating it, would certainly fall short.

Through it all, her headache persisted. Reluctant as she was to get up and refill her glass of water, this moment couldn’t last forever. Chika, however, had other plans.

“Does this mean you forgive me?” she asked.

You looked from her to the cigarettes in the ashtray, then back to Chika. “Nope,” she replied, and Chika laughed nervously. “But you’ll have lots of chances to make up for it.” To accentuate her point, she poked Chika squarely on the nose. Chika flinched, and an ungainly noise akin to a squawk escaped her. Inevitably, this led to a short bout of laughter from the both of them.

“I’ll try not to let you down,” Chika said.

“I trust you.”

The stray smoke lingering above the ashtray had dissipated at some point. You stared at it, some irrational part of her mind expecting it to come to life again. Several seconds passed, and still nothing.

“Chika-chan.”

“Hm?”

“I’m hungover,” You confessed.

Chika giggled. “That’s a first. Want to get something to eat?”

“Probably.” Still, they sat there. You had no intention of getting up, and apparently, neither did Chika. You could stand the pressing discomfort for now.

“Maybe we shouldn’t drink for a while.”

You shot her an incredulous look, though its effect was dampened by how close they were.

“Maybe we should drink less next time?” Chika tried.

You held her impassive stare for a few seconds, then just when Chika was about to concede further, swooped in and planted a quick kiss on Chika’s lips, pausing for a brief moment to delight in the novel feeling. They shared a giggle.

“I’d like that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 20k words and lots of angst later, we're done! it's been a much longer ride than i intended, but i guess i needed an additional 14k-ish words to give you and chika the angst they deserve. by that, i mean mutual angst that they actually sit down and sort out instead of anguishing over silently forever. i wanted this to be cathartic above all else, for all the times that You got screwed over by Riko just kinda being there. :3 just this once, You and Chika get a nice ending.
> 
> thanks to [Asallia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asallia) for proofreading and editing super quickly! the help is invaluable since my writing process is so messy. see you all next time, and thanks so much for reading!


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